“It’s choice, not chance…”

I have had so much on my mind lately.

 

First, school. Things are finally winding down. I guess, technically, I’m in finals mode now, since I don’t actually have any finals during finals week. However, I had a 15 minute presentation for my English class last Tuesday (which was the final grade), and I have another on Monday for my other English class. On Wednesday, my news presentation group project is due, and I’ll be finished with that class too. Then my reporting project is due on April 28, and I’ll be finished there too. And finally, on Saturday May 2, my research paper for Middle English Lit is due…but we get extra credit for turning it in early, so I’ll probably go that route. Especially because I’ll be moving on 4/30 and I really don’t want to have to worry about turning in a paper. I’m so excited to be so close to being finished with this semester! And then I just have to get through this summer and then the fall. And then I’ll be OUT. Thank goodness. I can’t wait to be done with this town and this school.

Which brings me to my next point: Texas Tech. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed at Texas A&M. I miss it a lot, especially when I think about Brian and Sarah and Soren and Kyle. I spent so much time with Brian, Soren and Kyle my freshman year. My best memories are sitting in Brian and Kyle’s dorm room, watching Boy Meets World with them and Soren and occasionally Ryan. It makes me so sad when I think that I rarely talk to them anymore. So sad. I hope you know how much I miss all of you. And I met Sarah right when I was leaving, but I’m so happy to have met her. I think she is an amazing woman. (And I’m even more excited that she’s marrying Brian, whom I’ve known since 5th grade! If you’re reading this guys, I love you both!) I’m grateful I got to spend so much time with Soren last summer. I want you know, I try not to think about it. Want to know why? Because I wish it wasn’t over. You have no idea how glad I was we were both in Dallas. Remember playing hide and seek with Will and Josh and everyone? It was wonderful to have you all to myself, because I always admired you our freshman year. I always wanted to get to know you better, and I’m so glad I did. And Kyle and Zoe…congrats to both of you! I’m so glad you are getting married this summer, and I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

And Taylor. Oh, Taylor. You were my very first friend I met at Fish Camp. I wish we had stayed in touch, and I wish…well, I just miss you I guess. You’re a great guy.

And then there’s Anna, Randy and Todd. You were the friends I made that had no ties to home, and that was special to me. Unbelievably special. I miss all of you so much, and I think of you ALL the time. I just wish…I wish you knew how much you meant to me, and I wish we could talk again. I hope you know I realize I made a mistake, and I’m always here. I really do mean that.

I think part of me is disappointed in myself. I feel like I got scared and left A&M because I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed there. (For all of you who know me, you know it’s about the guy I was with.) And then, even though I was at Tech, it happened anyway. We broke up, and I’m better for it.

 

So what if I had stayed? I’d still be friends with the dorm crew, and I’d still be an English major. I’d be 7 hours away from home, and I’d go to every single home football game and any other A&M event. I’d still do my hair curly, because it’s impossible to keep it straight in all that humidity. Hopefully I’d still have Anna and Todd.

 

But what would I have missed out on if I had not come to Lubbock? I wouldn’t have met Kasey and Matthew, who have become some of my best friends. I’m sad I don’t get to see you as often. And they wouldn’t have led me to my Thomas. That’s a scary thought. I wouldn’t have a major that would have led me to something I’m passionate about. (Ok, English probably would have eventually led me to editing, but you get my drift.) I wouldn’t have met the wonderful people in my classes. I wouldn’t have interned at Brown Books last summer, which is an experience I would sooner die than give up. Yes, I do not like Tech as a school, but it’s given me so many valuable things that I am grateful to have experiened.

But there’s also people who who I haven’t been able to get to know as well, even though I think we could have been great friends. I feel regretful for that. And sad, because it’s all coming to an end soon. Semester’s over, I’m about to move. Things are changing, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I would never change coming to Tech. That’s the truth.

I guess there’s a lot of good things I would have missed out on. Isn’t it funny how if you look at it there’s so many different things that could have happened differently? That’s why I think that there’s no one set path for a person. It’s all about choices. Not fate. I don’t think I believe in fate.

 

I feel funny tonight. Very reflective. I miss so many people right now it’s unreal. I feel like a trip to CS needs to happen soon…I’m not sure why.

It’s Beautiful.

In this moment, here and now, I am happy. Life is beautiful.

 

I have a fantastic father who, although we fight, loves me and I love him. I could ask for no better.

 

I have a mom who is the most selfless woman I know.

 

I have a little sister who vibrant and every time we talk, makes me smile.

 

I have amazing, close friends. I don’t know what I would do without them. I don’t need a huge group; I’m good with a few.

 

I love my major; almost every part of it. I love learning new aspects of the industry and improving my writing and skills every day.

 

I’m dating an amazing guy; a guy that surprises me every single day with how well we click.

 

And I have opportunities. It is incredible to me, the way my future is unfolding right before my eyes. I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen in the next few years. I CAN’T WAIT.

Ringing in the New Year.

What a Christmas break.

Tulsa, Lubbock, Midland, Winnsboro, Dallas, and back to Midland. I’m finally back in Lubbock, and I’m trying not to let that overwhelm me.

Since classes start the day after tomorrow, this is going to be my New Year’s post.

This is my last year of school, and this is going to be THE year. This will be the semester I make a 4.0. I will study and write great papers and not procrastinate. (Possibly. You know how that goes. At least I have good intentions.) I will stay organized and not let silly, ridiculous things stress me out. I’ll appreciate my wonderful professors. I’ll realize that all of this school stuff will only benefit me in my future, and I’ll have a good attitude about projects. That definitely helped last semester.

In areas other than school, I will take the time to better understand other people. I will observe more and judge less. I will realize it’s not all about me, and I will make more of an effort to help others. I will appreciate my wonderful, amazing family for who they are and try better to fit in. I will try to get along with them better. I won’t have such a short temper. I will listen more, and talk about myself less. I will love everyone for who they are, no matter what they do. I will make an effort to get out of my comfort zone, and make more friends. I won’t ever take anyone or anything for granted.

I WILL be in New York City by next year. Maybe New Year’s Eve?

 

Things have changed so much since last year. It’s truly amazing the way God has worked in my life, and all for the better. I went to the New York, my city. No one really understands why I want to go there so badly. It’s because that was one thing in my life that I could always count on; the one thing that I decided to do and got me through days when I just wanted to quit life. When I hated school and felt like everything was about to fall apart, my dream of New York was there to sustain me. It’s something I need to do to prove my independence. And, it’s where the majority of the publishing houses are.

I spent a summer away from home and thrived. I maneuvered my way through Dallas. I made new friends and worked two jobs. I fell in love with one job, and found my passion, my niche in life. I lived with and loved another family, and was treated as though I was a daughter of theirs. That is a truly incredible feeling. I still miss them. Every single day. I renewed a friendship.

I came back to Lubbock. I never knew it was possible to feel claustrophib in the wide open West Texas plains. But it is. For a while, I thought I would die being here instead of Dallas. Things are better now; so much better. I took a class I was absolutely terrified to take, and fell in love with it. I interviewed people and enjoyed it. I never thought I’d be able to say that.

I said goodbye to someone that was a part of my life  for a good four and a half years; someone that always made me feel like I had to be more than what I am. I won’t fall back into that again.

Then I met someone who made me believe again; believe that I could feel strongly for someone. I used to worry I couldn’t. I’ve never felt so completely accepted for who I am; that I could so fully be myself.

It was definitely an interesting, hard, bad, good year. I’ve been happy, sad and everything in between. I can’t wait to see what this year holds.

Put On Your Brakes

I can’t sleep tonight. And goodness, I wish I could, because I’ve been sick alll week, and I have to get up early in the morning. Blah.

My mind is spinning in a million different directions right now. I don’t know what brought all these thoughts on. I think it was probably the conversation I had with my parents last weekend. I guess I just keep wondering if some of the decisions I made a couple years ago were the rights ones. I’m wondering if I should have stuck with certain things that I gave up on too quickly. I’m wondering if letting go of some people was a good idea; maybe I should have been more patient, more understanding. I’m wondering why I love my family more than anyone in the world and yet it is impossible for me to show that to them. I clam up and never show them how I really feel. It drives my dad nuts. But they are the ones I turn on the most quickly–I’m not proud of that. Maybe it’s because they know me the best, and I’m afraid of not living up to my parent’s expectations of me. I wonder why I find it so impossible to change myself, when in my heart I want to change so badly. I also wonder why, when my life has been great so far, I find it so much easier to focus on the bad things in my life. I’m making a conscious effort to change that, but it’s difficult. I wonder if what I want to do in the next couple years will work out. It terrifies me that they won’t, because if they don’t, I look like a fool because it’s all that I’ve talked about for the past year.

Life is confusing right now. I’m three semesters away from graduation, and that’s an intimidating thing. But even though everything else is so complicated, I feel as though I’m finally beginning to understand myself so much more. I know, I know, that sounds completely gay and corny. But it’s so true. For most of my life, I defined myself based on other people and their expectations of me. I liked what other people liked, and if I did like something other people didn’t, I’d try not to like it anymore. It’s kind of like that ONE song on the radio, the one that you hate, but it’s one of the most popular songs out there. Eventually, you’re gonna like it. But anyways, now, I’m trying to figure out what it is that makes me happy, that makes me content, things that I enjoy. Even if they are different. For instance, I love musicals. As silly as it is–no, wait, it’s NOT silly, because it’s something that I like. I’m not justifying things anymore. They make me happy, and that’s all there is to it. I love beautiful music; violins, piano, guitar. I love, love early mornings. And, unfortunately, I love late nights too. But mornings are so peaceful, and I’ve found myself getting up at 6 or 6:30 regularly, just to enjoy the quiet. I feel as though I’ve gotten answers as to who I am, who I’m growing into, and that makes me appreciate myself more.

I feel like this post is extremely self-centered, but these are just things that are on my mind. I guess I’m trying to show the people close to me (you know who you are) that I’m really and truly okay. I want to know myself before I love someone else again. I want to depend on myself before I ever have to really depend on another person. I feel like such a nerd putting this all down, but this is the only way I know how to get my thoughts out. For those of you that know me, you know I have trouble speaking the words I want…but when I put pen to paper (or, in this case, fingers to a keyboard) it just flows. So I hope you read this. And I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

 

“Give me a voice.

Flash.

Give me a face.”

–Chuck Palahniuk, “Invisible Monsters”

I thought it was appropriate.

I Just Don’t Know Anymore

I just don’t know what to do with my life these days. It kind of feels as though I’m trying to keep everything together, and barely succeeding.

For one thing, there’s school. It’s stressful this semester. Beyond stressful. My classes are extremely interactive, and that’s intimidating to me. But after this summer, it’s not as intimidating as it might have been last semester. That’s one thing that I’m grateful for. I love my classes, and I’m interested in what I’m studying, which makes the actual homework thing a lot easier.

But college in general…I don’t know, I think I’m just ready to move on…or at least away from here. Lubbock feels…stifling. Even though it’s in a completely wide open area. I like cities. Lubbock is not a city. I like to sit outside and read, watch people go by. There’s nowhere for me to do that here. Sure, there’s places to sit outside, but the only things I can look at are the cars driving by. I want people; funky, normal and crazy. I love being around people, watching them interact. Everyone’s cut from the same cloth in this town. Everything is always the same, predictable. Who wants predictability? There’s not even any big Obama signs on the roads…but at least four huge John McCain signs on street. Regardless of whom I’m voting for, I just wish that there was some variation in this town.

Then there are my friends. If you’d asked me at the beginning of the summer if I had a best friend, I’d answer “Yes” without a second’s hesitation. But after this summer…I don’t know, it feels like going away made my closest friend forget about me. Out of sight, out of mind. And the people I did make friends with this summer…same thing. I know that sounds pathetic and weepy, but if you saw, you’d understand. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be with best friends. I have friends, I really do. But I need that girl relationship to keep myself going. I live with one of my good friends now…and I love that. But she’s engaged to a wonderful guy, who is also a good friend, and I know that she doesn’t…need me the way that I need a good girlfriend. All my friends have serious boyfriends. I’m the lone single person. Which is fine, honestly, because at this point I don’t want a boyfriend. My last cured me of that for a while. But it’s lonely. When everyone else is going to bed with their significant other, and I retire to my cozy room…by myself. Except for my TV and a book. That’s the worst.

Then, my family. I adore my family, but I can’t seem to express that clearly to them. My parents are wonderful people. My mom is sweet, caring, selfless, and beautiful. My dad is funny, interesting, and makes everyone love him. He’s just the type of person that lights up a room. My sister is athletic, outgoing, and a caring girl. But…I’m very different from my family. I love cities, I love to read, I love funky, bohemian, artsy, “weird” things. I don’t fit in to the easy cookie-cutter pattern of their life. My parents don’t understand me. Mom and Dad want me to stay in Texas, to stay nearby and close to home. They can’t understand how badly I want to move to New York and work in a publishing house. Dad wanted me to be a doctor, so that’s another disappointment to him. They’re glad I found my passion, my reason, but they wish that it could happen closer to home. This leads them to completely shut me out when I try to talk to them about what’s going to happen in a measly 15 or 16 months. In my Dad’s words, “they can’t tell me no”, since I will have graduated by then. Which is their way of saying that they don’t want me to do it, and they would tell me no. My parents are masters at the fine art of financial blackmail. As in, I can do something, but if they don’t like it, Oops! They’re not paying for groceries, for example, anymore.

There’s only been ONE person in my entire extended family, both my parent’s sides, that has ever moved out of the state of Texas. He went to Detroit. And he’s talked about in hushed tones, so as not to upset my grandfather. Sad. But I admire Uncle Richard in that respect, that he’s struck out that way.

My dad’s father, affectionately known as “Papa”, is the one person in my life that has told me, without regard to his personal feelings on the matter, to go for my dreams. No matter how far away they may carry me. I love Papa for this. To have your parents tell you that your dreams are immature is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s made me question myself, but when I do, I know unquestionably that what I want to do is what I’m made to do. If my family can’t deal, that’s too bad.