Archive for December, 2009

A Time for Hope.

December 31, 2009 Leave a comment

Well, it’s officially December 31, which means it’s probably about time for a 2009 recap.

January led me back for my second-to-last semester at Texas Tech. I was trying to forget a particularly painful and annoying Christmas break, and threw myself into spending time with friends and going to classes. I started playing racquetball regularly and working out a lot. The working out thing last about…a week. Yay, me.

 February kind of turned into the month from hell because of a stressful living situation. This really isn’t the time or the place to explain that, hence my hiatus from my blog for the entire month of February 2008.

March and April pretty much blend together. Nothing notable or exciting happened.

May, my sister graduated from high school. Yay, Elizabeth! I got a kitten: the cuteness that is Copper. I moved into a new apartment, where I got to live by myself, which I loved. I started my first semester of summer school, something I had never done before.

In June I lost my dear grandmother. It was my first experience with death, and it shook me to the core. I didn’t realize how final death is. I read a poem at her funeral. I tried not to flunk my classes. I also started an internship at the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal. Way (not) fun, but I met some really amazing people. I turned 21.

July was a bit rough. I learned how to be single, and ended up loving it. I went to Tulsa for a family reunion. It was awesome. I drank a little too much with my cousins, but I think that night forever bonded us and now I have a great relationship with them. I’m grateful for that. I met someone who changed my life because of his similar passion for getting out of Lubbock. It was intoxicating. I feel like July was my pivotal month; the time when I had to grow up and rely on myself the most. It was when I realized I could do what I wanted come January.

August? I went to Boston, and fell in love with the city. I spent time with my cousin, stumbled home, wandered, got lost, found myself, and met new people. I breathed in the air and took it in and decided I was coming back. I started my last semester at Tech, and I must say, it started with an effing bang.

September I took on two jobs that I loved. One I loved because it would look pretty good on a resume and the other I loved because it was where a bunch of my friends worked. I found out I’d been published in a magazine at Tech. Classes started revving up and for a little while I thought I was going to drown. I fought with my parents about what I wanted to do after graduation. I opened myself up to new experiences and allowed myself to get close to people.

October was another important month. It was the month I took control back. I sat down with my mom and dad and told them point-blank what I wanted to do: Move to Boston. I told them all I was asking from them was their support; that I didn’t want money. I just wanted them to back me up. I needed them to understand what I had to do. So I made a decision and started looking for apartments. October was also the month where I pulled my very first all-nighter, and this time it was due to work, not school. I didn’t sleep much in October.

November was the month of my mom’s birthday. I got her a dove necklace, in the hopes she would be peaceful about me moving 2,000 miles away. This was the first Thanksgiving without my grandmother, and my grandfather went to New York. I have to say, I am not a fan of not having either Mimi or Papa around for the holidays. It was hard. Again, because of school and work, I didn’t sleep much. I have never been so exhausted as I was this semester, to be completely honest.

December? I GRADUATED. Finally. And it was beautiful.

And now, here I am on December 31, 2009, and I am 10 days away from ripping myself away from a life I’ve always known and trying something new. I’ve never been so excited. Scared. Nervous. Happy. Peaceful. Jittery. Everything. I can’t wait to see what 2010 holds. I know it has to be incredible. It just has to.

Someone asked me tonight why New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday, and I can answer that in one word: Possibility. Every day we mess up, we do things we regret. We make mistakes. We hurt people. Yes, good things happen, but bad things do too. New Year’s Eve is a chance to reflect on what happened in the past year and look ahead to the future. It gives us a chance to hope. It’s a new beginning. A fresh start. A chance to change.

And, really, what’s better than that? To me, Christmas is all about love. Tell people you love them on Christmas. New Year’s, though, is the time of hope. And new beginnings. Rebirth.

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It’s Christmas…time to ‘fess up.

December 24, 2009 1 comment

So…every movie I’ve watched in the last few days has been about Christmas. And in each one, the message is the same: Tell the truth on Christmas.

Why is that? What is about Christmas that makes people think it’s a good time to tell the truth, proclaim your true love for someone? That’s what I want to know.

Here’s my theory: On Christmas there’s a general good feeling in the air. People are happy, buying gifts, shopping, etc. It’s like all this good cheer makes people drunk, so that they feel compelled to tell how they truly feel. The good feelings make people hopeful that maybe, this time, if they say what they truly feel it will be received in a good, positive manner. That maybe things will turn out different than if it wasn’t Christmas.

I don’t know if this makes any sense. All I know is, I missed a chance to say something I truly wish I’d said a few weeks ago. And now, what with the Christmas cheer and whatnot, those words are forcing themselves up my throat, hoping my brain will just let go and say what I want to say. Say what I feel.

So what should I do?

Categories: Uncategorized

Everything changes.

December 21, 2009 2 comments

And just like that…it’s over. Everything. College. School. My jobs.

I think it’s OK though. So far, I feel pretty great about it. I just am in shock a little bit, I think.

The day before graduation I woke up feeling better than I had since September. Everything was OFFICIALLY over–we had finished the yearbook deadline the night before. Kind of. Long story. But anyway, I woke up that morning knowing I could just relax. I had nothing to turn in, no one to interview, nothing to write, nothing to edit. I didn’t check e-mail. It felt fantastic. I got ready that morning blasting my favorite music (and possibly even using my hairbrush as a microphone). I got to spend the entire day with my best friend, and went to a graduation party later that evening. That party definitely turned out to be more fun than I anticipated.

Graduation was incredible. I woke up that morning and leapt out of bed and jumped around for a few minutes. I felt overwhelmed with excitement, and OK, pride. I mean, come on, this was my college graduation. I’m allowed to be proud of myself and a little smug.

The ceremony was flat-out special and emotional. I graduated with the College of Mass Communications (obviously), and within the college we were divided up by major. So I was in a row with about 15-20 people that I’ve worked on projects and stories with for the last two years. It was amazing. It made the ceremony so intimate and so much less anonymous. All the stress, all the worry, all the frustration of being a journalism major kind of flew out the window at that ceremony. We all worked toward this togethre and got to see it through to the end together. It was amazing. My favorite professor was the one who called the names, so that also made everything just a little more special.

During the ceremony, President Guy Bailey commended all the graduates on our hard work, but then he mentioned how it wasn’t just about us today. And that’s when it hit me: This day was not just MY day, it was also my parent’s day; my family’s day. My Mom and Dad invested a lot into my education, and all I can say is that I hope I made them proud. I teared up when Guy Bailey said that because I wanted them to know how much their support has meant to me the last three and a half years. I couldn’t have done this without them.

The actual getting-handed-my-diploma part was over so quickly I could barely comprehend it. I thought it was going to monumental, and yes, getting my tube that was supposed to have my diploma was cool. And getting to shake the president’s hand was pretty neat too. And hearing my name echoed throughout the United Spirit Arena also had its perks. But really, it was the before and after that made it special. It was laughing with all my friends before the ceremony. It was hearing the cheers for each graduate. It was tearing up when I saw my beloved Papa after the ceremony because he said I looked beautiful and that he was proud of me. It was celebrating that night with everyone, and screaming “We graduated!” over and over and over at the top of our lungs. It wasn’t the ceremony: It was the moments leading up to it and after it that made it amazing. It was studying late nights and working until my eyes couldn’t stay open any longer. It was three years of school and buying books and making new friends that made that ceremony special.

It took me a long time to get used to college. I’ll be honest; I hated it at first. That’s one of the major reasons I transferred to Texas Tech. I know now that move was the best decision for me, because I loved my time at Tech. But I didn’t try hard enough my freshman year to get out there and experience was A&M had to offer. I think things would have been different if I had.

College ended up being some of the best times of my life. I know everyone always says that, but I finally feel like I understand it a little bit more now. I’m sad that it’s over, but I know deep down that if I honestly had one more semester at school I’d go a little bit crazy. I made so many memories during my years at Tech. There are so many late nights and early mornings I wouldn’t give up for the world. I made incredible friends. I fell a little bit in love. I got my heart broken. I cried, I laughed, I smiled. I allowed myself to be open to new experiences. I am proud of myself. Truly and deeply. Not because I made an A in class or whatever; it’s not about that. But it’s more when I look back at the person I was my freshman year and the person I am now, I feel the deepest sense of relief. I am glad I’ve changed and I’m pleased with the person I have become and am becoming. It makes me proud.

This semester was the most incredible one of my life. This was the one where I found my niche. I figured out who my best friends are. I was OK with being single, and to be honest, I’m glad I was. Well…I was mostly single. Anyway–that’s not the point. This last semester was the biggest blur. I loved (almost) every moment. I learned to stand on my own two feet. I made new friends. I fell for someone. I let myself go a little bit–in a good way, not the “I-gained-50 pounds-and-stopped-showering” type of letting yourself go. I mean that I (tried to) let go of the fears and worries that often hold me back. And by doing that, I got to experience some truly incredible things. I’ve never been so busy and never been so stressed as I was this semester, but I loved it all. My jobs were simultaneously frustrating, but also rewarding. They gave me the experience I need to hopefully find a great job. Those late nights at Student Media were about work, yes, but those nights bonded me with my co-workers. The sleep I lost didn’t matter so much those nights.

I’m not saying everything about this semester was perfect. Like anything, it sucked sometimes. But this was the semester that changed me the most. I’m a little in awe of how things can be if I let go a little bit. It’s beautiful.

 I finally figured out what the hell I’m doing in the spring, and even though I’m terrified, I know it’s the best thing for ME. And right now, that’s the important thing.

Which brings me, as always, back to Boston. I leave in 20 days, and my feelings about that are becoming more and more excited. Finally, all I have left to do is get ready for that. That’s the only thing I need to worry about right now. That, and saying goodbye to my family and friends.

Which, I’ll be honest, I’m terrified to do. I’m scared that I’ll get to Boston and fall apart. Even as I type this though, I kind of have to laugh at myself. I believe this is right for me, and I think I’ll be OK. I really, really do. That’s what is going to get me through.

I don’t want my move to Boston to be like my year at Texas A&M. I don’t want to shut myself off from experiences because I’m scared. I want to continue to be open to everything. I want to try new things. I want to lose sleep because I’m spending time with amazing people. I want to “be wild, be young, be free.” Yes, I am a college graduate, but let’s be honest: I’m 21, and moving to a big city on a whim. It’s pretty darn cool. So I will be young and I will be free and I will make this experience something to remember.

It’s going to change my life and I’m so excited to see what’s in store for me.

Pain, one-way plane tickets and peace.

December 13, 2009 Leave a comment

I discovered the other day that my sister and I have a huge difference in the ways that we handle potentially painful situations.

When faced with something that may cause intense heartache she would choose to cut and run. To get out before it hurts too much. I, on the other hand, choose to stick it out, see it through the end–and cause myself even more pain. Rip up my insides a little more, if you will.

I’m not saying either one of us is wrong in the way we handle these situations. Although I think she may miss out on some truly amazing experiences from time to time, I think mine is the more unhealthy choice. I’m a masochist, I suppose. I enjoy pain. I see pain as something that means something good happened, and now, unfortunately, it’s over.

I don’t know why, but the thought of healing is enjoyable to me. Pleasant, even. Maybe I hope that after I get through the pain, the hurt, I’ll come out on the other end stronger. A better person. A more caring person.

Whatever. I think I just enjoy feeling sad sometimes. And that’s something I need to get over–quickly.

On a happier note, I finally, FINALLY bought my plane ticket to Boston. That beautiful one-way ticket for and my kitteh. I leave Sunday Jan. 10 at 8:10 a.m. Be praying for me between now and then, please. I’m terrified. I know, deep down, everything is right and will be OK, but I’m still nervous. But in my heart…there’s only peace. Which is why a dove means so much to me.

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” –Unknown

This is what I strive for. This is what I aspire to.

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Time flies.

December 7, 2009 Leave a comment

Oh, Lord.

Here we go. Things are starting. It’s all downhill from here.

I turned in four projects last week: editing, an intense English paper, multi-platform, and reporting. Then I had my reporting presentation today and had to post everything on the Internet. All that’s between me and graduation is two finals, two stories to write for yearbook, stories to edit for yearbook, and finishing up the Mass Communicator.

Where did the time go? How is it possible that it’s already time to graduate from college? I dont’ want to grow up. Part of me is frustrated that I just started figuring out who my friends are and enjoying college, and now I have to leave.

But what am I saying??? I’m starting a brand new adventure! This is something I have wanted for so long, and I’m actually doing it. That’s so rare.

I’m moving to BOSTON. Beautiful.

Categories: Thoughts