Time flies.

Wow. I cannot believe it’s the end of October. Where did the semester go? Seriously.

And the fact that it is the end of October? Scares me. Way too much. There is so much I have to do in terms of Boston, and nothing can happen until I find a place to live. I still need to figure out what I’m taking with me, what I’m selling, if I can take Copper. And, oh yeah, I need that little thing called a job…argh. I’m excited to take care of the little details though. I can’t wait to buy a T card, and go on my first grocery shopping expedition. I can’t wait to eventually meet who I’ll be living with. I’m excited to see Boston covered in snow…I bet it’s beautiful. The thing I’m most excited about, though? Buying that one-way ticket. Wow. That’s…terrifying.

 

In other news, school actually is going well. For the most part. It’s hard to care sometimes, but then I remind myself that I HAVE to do well this semester. My multi-platform class is nowhere near as difficult as I thought it’d be, and I’ve made some really great friends in there. It makes me excited for graduation, because I finally have gotten to the point in school where I have class with all the same people. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday, and she said graduation will be special because we will all be clapping and cheering for each other. We all went through this (awful, time-consuming, stressful) major together, and together? We made it. That will be special.

So nervous.

Well…the excitement may have died down a bit.

I still want to go, don’t get me wrong. But now I’m realizing what all I will be leaving behind. The fear already is creeping up on me more and more, and that makes me second-guess myself at times.

It’s also hard because really, there’s no point in even dating anymore. Which kind of sucks.

I may have found a place to live though. So, we’ll see. 🙂

I’ll keep you updated.

I’ve been struggling with some stuff lately, and I feel like I should share it. ALL of my best friends are getting married soon. I’m a bridemaid in two of the weddings, and a member of the house party for the third. Even though I am beyond thrilled for all of them, it’s difficult for me to be “THE single girl” in the mix. I’m that girl. The one who’s always by herself, always dateless. And I feel like all anyone is concerned about is getting married. Half the people I told about Boston came back at me with this response: “Oh, you’re young and beautiful, you’ll be snapped up in no time by some cute Boston boy.” Um, right. Because that’s why I’m going to Boston. To get married. NO.

Yes, I want to get married. Yes, it terrifies me I’ll be an old frumpy cat lady. But that is not why I’m going to Boston.

I struggle in being single. I feel pressured to be with someone. But right now? Now I just want to be free. I absolutely love it when I get this response from friends who are tied down: “You’re so lucky. I wish I had had the chance to do that.” You’re right. I AM lucky.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not lonely. I have to believe it’ll happen for me. Someday. That’s the key word. For now? I’m free.

And to those of you who say I’m not marriage material? Bullshit. Just saying.

‘Be young, be wild, be free.’ –my new life motto. From some country song.

I think I’ll go to Boston…

I cried a little on the way home today.

 

I cried because I’m happy, because I feel like things are finally coming together for me.

 

Long story short: I am moving to BOSTON in January. Did you hear that? I AM MOVING TO BOSTON.  In January. In three months. Three short months. I have three MONTHS left in Texas. That makes me a little sad. I will miss Texas, but this is what I need to do. This is what I’m supposed to do.

 

So anyway, if any of you know someone who knows someone who knows someone, etc., out there and can offer any advice/help/whatever, send them my way. I’ll take whatever words of encouragement I can get.

 

I know I’ve talked about this a lot…this whole moving thing. I was always going to do it, but I finally have the support of my parents. I talked to them about it this weekend, and it went so much better than I could ever have hoped. They even started offering advice, i.e., get a furnished place because there is no way in hell you want to drive a U-haul to Massachusetts. I agree. I’m definitely going with furnished. So now I have to think about selling my furniture come December. And  I  have to sell my car. No more driving for me! I’m all about walking or the T.

 

I have felt so…lost the last few months. And that has translated into too much drinking and too much feeling sorry for myself. All I wanted was for my parents to see that I am doing the right thing for myself. For a long time they did not understand, and it caused a lot of strife between us. I love my parents, and I wanted them to support me. They are incredible people and ultimately, I want to please them. I would have done this without their support, but I do not know what that would have done to our relationship. I think, finally, they get that this is all I want to do right now. I’m 21, single and moving to the city. Roughly 2,000 miles away. It’s a beautiful thing.

 

But I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. When I think about getting on that plane in January, I feel a little sick to my stomach. There are so many things I’m going to miss about Texas. I’m going to miss being around my family, my wonderful, beautiful family. I’ll miss my sweet Papa. And my Grandmommy and Grandaddy. (Yes, I realize I am 21 and still call them that. Shut it.) I’ll miss listening to Mom and Dad practice their music when I’m home. There’s so much I’m going to miss out on when I’m in Boston. I’ll miss my two best friend’s bachelorette parties. That alone makes me want to break down. I’d be there if I could guys. You know I would. In a heartbeat.

 

But I want to be the brave, remarkable, admirable girl who took off in search of her dreams DESPITE her fears. I’m going to do this. And I’m going to do it big.

I’m going to live. I will make new friends. I’m going to take chances. I will find a church and get involved in it. I’ll will explore my new city and be entranced by its beauty. I’m going to enjoy the cold weather and sit by the sea and marvel at vastness of the ocean. I’m going to go to Maine and be the first thing in the United States the sun touches when it rises. (From “A Separate Peace.” Read it. DO IT.) I’m going to take a day trip to New York. I’m going to travel up and down the east coast. I know I’ll be working (constantly) to make ends meet, but I will make sure and take the time for these adventures. I don’t want to get so caught up in everything I forget what it is about cities that intrigue me.

Want to know what it is? The sheer, endless possibility of the place. There are so many opportunities there that something has to happen for me. I will find where I belong. I know I will. I’ve never been so convinced of anything in my life.

 

January. Three months. And then I’ll be in Boston.

 

So, now? Now I have two months-ish to spend in Lubbock and finish out school. I’m going to spend it with my wonderful friends and make so many memories and take so many pictures. I’m not going to waste my time with people who don’t appreciate me. I’m going to spend time with my family and appreciate them. I’m going to take every opportunity for fun and take advantage of my time left in Texas.

 

It’s pretty sweet, isn’t it? I have a great life. And it’s about to get even better.

“Remember who you wanted to be.”

Ok. So suffice it to say, I was a little angry the last time I wrote. Sorry about that….

 

But I’m going to write about something happy now!

 

I was walking to work the other day and not really paying attention to where I was going. I was walking through some parking lot and finally looked up to see where I was. When I did, I glanced at a car that was parked right in front of me and covered in bumper stickers. One caught my eye and made me stop in my tracks. It was obviously very old, fading and peeling off at  the edges. But the message was beautiful:

 

Remember who you wanted to be.

 

I love it. Don’t we always forget that? The person I wanted to be, say, five years ago is so different from the person I want to be now. Then, I wanted to be in love with the person I was going to marry. I just wanted the fairy-tale romance. I didn’t know what I wanted out of school or life. It’s a little sad that I wanted so little for myself. Now, my dreams have changed, obviously.

Most of you know my grandmother recently passed away after a courageous battle with Alzheimer’s. Some of my biggest fears now are watching someone else in my family suffer through that ordeal, or, that I will have to go through it myself.

I don’t want to wake up five or ten years from now and forget who I wanted to be. Not because of Alzheimer’s or something like that, but simply because of the pace of life. I don’t want to get so caught up in making it that I forget why I went to Boston (or wherever I end up) in the first place.

I don’t want to  forget all the little aspects of myself that make me who I am right now, this minute, at age 21, two months and eight days before my college graduation. Because frankly? I love myself. I like who I am, finally. For the most part–of course there are things I would change, such as how I am too impatient and I am sometimes selfish. But the things that make me happy and make me tick, I love. So I believe I will list them here, to have proof in ten years this person did exist. And hopefully, in ten years, I will be who I want to be.

So here goes:

I love my cat because he is the one thing right now who will be going with me wherever I go–Boston, New York, the edges of the earth. Doesn’t matter–Copper will be my tagalong. And that is why I put up with his frustrating antics.

I love music not because of the beat or the melody, but because of the lyrics. I am a bookworm, and so of course I will be looking for the lyrics in music. Like this one:

“I’ll be out of my mind
And you’ll be out of ideas
Pretty soon
So let’s spend
The afternoon in a cold hot air balloon
Leave your jacket behind
Lean out and touch the treetops over town
I can’t wait
To kiss the ground
Wherever we touch back down.” —Hot Air Balloon, by Owl City

Or:

“The silence isn’t so bad

Til I look at my hands and feel sad.

Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where your fits perfectly.”  —Vanilla Twilight, by Owl City.

I love these songs. They are totally weird and quirky, but the lyrics are fun and playful. I also currently love The Rescues. If I had a show like The Hills, my theme song would be “Boston” by Augustana. I like music that moves me because of the lyrics.

I love that I love living by myself, but I think I’m ready to live with someone again. It gets lonely.

I love college. I know this is surprising, but finally, I feel like I’ve found my spot within it. It’s sad I will have to leave so soon, but at least I have two months to enjoy all my friends and have fun. (Of course, it is now time to start getting my shit together. Ack.)

I am proud of my jobs. I think they are an accomplishment for me, especially because I never thought I could amount to anything. My time at Tech has shown me if I just try, and reach for something I want even when I’m not sure I can get it, I just might luck out. 🙂

I don’t want to forget the nights that moved me the most. A lot of these nights have happened recently. I loved the night I got a private tour of Boston at night, and raced through the city in the pouring, refreshing rain with a guy I barely knew. (Stupid, yes, but also: magical. Breathtaking. Memorable. I never want to forget that night.) I don’t want to forget dancing in a bar with my cousin in the middle of Beantown. I don’t want to forget getting hooked on Grey’s Anatomy and watching with friends. There are nights I have cried so hard my stomach hurt and nights I laughed so hard my mouth ached. I don’t want to forget nights I kissed someone so much my lips were swollen the next morning. (Nothin’ dirty guys, just kissing.) I don’t want to forget the night a friend gave me a Reese’s and a Hershey’s dark chocolate Mr. Goodbar and told me to choose one, because that was my future. I chose the Goodbar, and that was Emerson. (And it’s now taped to my computer at work.) I don’t want to forget the nights I drank too much wine, but yet had some of the most meaningful and heartfelt conversations with a new, great friend.

I don’t want to forget how much all these people in my life have meant to me. That scares me. And that’s an Alzheimer’s fear. What if I forget these beautiful nights, and these beautiful people? It’s terrifying.

I don’t want to forget how much I love playing racquetball. It is fun and I am lame for putting on it, but I love it.

I want to remember how much I loved my English classes in college. I am disappointed I didn’t do a double major, but hopefully, I can continue taking a few classes somewhere down the road.

I want to remember what drove me. What my passion was. And what is that? My “anywhere-but-here” syndrome. Hopefully that will pass once I get to where I think I want to be. Which is Boston. 🙂

 I also want to remember how much I love my parents. I fight with them and sometimes I’m so angry at them it hurts, but truly, they are great people. I know they love me, and I know they don’t understand me right now. I just wish I could have their moral support. That’s all I want.

So that’s who I am now. I don’t really know who I want to be.

 

All I know is, I will NOT wake up five years from now and wonder why I didn’t go to Boston. It’s time to do some serious planning. I could be there three months from today potentially.

That’s a crazy thought.

 

Oh, guess what? I’m published. Just ask.