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Archive for April, 2009

They say hindsight…

April 27, 2009 Leave a comment

…is 20/20.

 

Have you ever had something that you were so convinced you were right about?

 

But come to find out, you’re so far away from the truth that you can’t even see where you started?

 

I have. I think I just figured it out, and it brought tears to my eyes because it made me feel like an awful person. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to judge people anymore, or talk about anyone.

My papa said the one thing that attracted him to Mimi and made her the most beautiful person he’d ever met was the fact that she never said anything bad about anyone. I wish I could be like that, but I find myself gossiping all the time. Or venting. Or…anything.

 

I feel like I’ve ruined some things. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s not a fun feeling.

Categories: Thoughts Tags: , , , ,

FML

April 24, 2009 Leave a comment

Here is my own FML page:

 

Today, my mom told me she had a job for me this weekend: to help her pick out pictures of the family for my grandmother’s funeral. My grandmother hasn’t died yet.

 

Today, the one person I really wanted and needed to talk to after hearing that fanstastic bit of news was too busy to talk to me and told me if I wanted to talk so bad I shouldn’t have gone home.

 

FML.

Categories: Uncategorized

Friends.

April 22, 2009 1 comment

I have something I’ve been thinking about the past few days…

 

I’ve always been a person who expects a lot out of my friends. If you say you’re going to call me, call. If we make plans, let’s follow through, because I want to see you. I ask that you listen to me if I need to talk, because I’ll do the same for you.

 

I just want everyone to know, if I do expect too much, it’s only because I try my hardest to return it to you guys. I don’t want anyone to think this post is because of something someone did or didn’t do.

 

It’s actually about me. I feel like I haven’t done my best to appreciate everyone the way they deserve in the past couple of months. I could make excuses and say “Life has sucked; I’m stressed, blah, blah, blah.” But that’s no excuse for me. If I have treated anyone with less than the respect they deserve, I’m sorry. I realize it, and I’m working on it. I’m sorry guys. I know this sounds lame, I’ve just got so much on my mind lately, I feel a little sad with the weight of it.

 

One of my friends is moving back home today, and I’m so sad about it. I’m really going to miss you!

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: , ,

“It’s choice, not chance…”

April 18, 2009 1 comment

I have had so much on my mind lately.

 

First, school. Things are finally winding down. I guess, technically, I’m in finals mode now, since I don’t actually have any finals during finals week. However, I had a 15 minute presentation for my English class last Tuesday (which was the final grade), and I have another on Monday for my other English class. On Wednesday, my news presentation group project is due, and I’ll be finished with that class too. Then my reporting project is due on April 28, and I’ll be finished there too. And finally, on Saturday May 2, my research paper for Middle English Lit is due…but we get extra credit for turning it in early, so I’ll probably go that route. Especially because I’ll be moving on 4/30 and I really don’t want to have to worry about turning in a paper. I’m so excited to be so close to being finished with this semester! And then I just have to get through this summer and then the fall. And then I’ll be OUT. Thank goodness. I can’t wait to be done with this town and this school.

Which brings me to my next point: Texas Tech. Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed at Texas A&M. I miss it a lot, especially when I think about Brian and Sarah and Soren and Kyle. I spent so much time with Brian, Soren and Kyle my freshman year. My best memories are sitting in Brian and Kyle’s dorm room, watching Boy Meets World with them and Soren and occasionally Ryan. It makes me so sad when I think that I rarely talk to them anymore. So sad. I hope you know how much I miss all of you. And I met Sarah right when I was leaving, but I’m so happy to have met her. I think she is an amazing woman. (And I’m even more excited that she’s marrying Brian, whom I’ve known since 5th grade! If you’re reading this guys, I love you both!) I’m grateful I got to spend so much time with Soren last summer. I want you know, I try not to think about it. Want to know why? Because I wish it wasn’t over. You have no idea how glad I was we were both in Dallas. Remember playing hide and seek with Will and Josh and everyone? It was wonderful to have you all to myself, because I always admired you our freshman year. I always wanted to get to know you better, and I’m so glad I did. And Kyle and Zoe…congrats to both of you! I’m so glad you are getting married this summer, and I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

And Taylor. Oh, Taylor. You were my very first friend I met at Fish Camp. I wish we had stayed in touch, and I wish…well, I just miss you I guess. You’re a great guy.

And then there’s Anna, Randy and Todd. You were the friends I made that had no ties to home, and that was special to me. Unbelievably special. I miss all of you so much, and I think of you ALL the time. I just wish…I wish you knew how much you meant to me, and I wish we could talk again. I hope you know I realize I made a mistake, and I’m always here. I really do mean that.

I think part of me is disappointed in myself. I feel like I got scared and left A&M because I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed there. (For all of you who know me, you know it’s about the guy I was with.) And then, even though I was at Tech, it happened anyway. We broke up, and I’m better for it.

 

So what if I had stayed? I’d still be friends with the dorm crew, and I’d still be an English major. I’d be 7 hours away from home, and I’d go to every single home football game and any other A&M event. I’d still do my hair curly, because it’s impossible to keep it straight in all that humidity. Hopefully I’d still have Anna and Todd.

 

But what would I have missed out on if I had not come to Lubbock? I wouldn’t have met Kasey and Matthew, who have become some of my best friends. I’m sad I don’t get to see you as often. And they wouldn’t have led me to my Thomas. That’s a scary thought. I wouldn’t have a major that would have led me to something I’m passionate about. (Ok, English probably would have eventually led me to editing, but you get my drift.) I wouldn’t have met the wonderful people in my classes. I wouldn’t have interned at Brown Books last summer, which is an experience I would sooner die than give up. Yes, I do not like Tech as a school, but it’s given me so many valuable things that I am grateful to have experiened.

But there’s also people who who I haven’t been able to get to know as well, even though I think we could have been great friends. I feel regretful for that. And sad, because it’s all coming to an end soon. Semester’s over, I’m about to move. Things are changing, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I would never change coming to Tech. That’s the truth.

I guess there’s a lot of good things I would have missed out on. Isn’t it funny how if you look at it there’s so many different things that could have happened differently? That’s why I think that there’s no one set path for a person. It’s all about choices. Not fate. I don’t think I believe in fate.

 

I feel funny tonight. Very reflective. I miss so many people right now it’s unreal. I feel like a trip to CS needs to happen soon…I’m not sure why.

Categories: school, Thoughts Tags: , , , ,

I Worry Too Much.

April 7, 2009 Leave a comment

I have NEVER in my life felt so overwhelmed by pure anger. It’s like every negative feeling from the beginning of the semester has decided to revisit me. I am livid. I can feel it coursing through me, and I literally feel as though I’m shaking. I can’t sleep. I actually want to punch something. And then worst part is, I’m taking it out on someone I love. I’m resentful, hurt, angry, mad, sad. I am an ugly person right now. I think I can safely say that this has been an awful semester. Strike three for Tech and Lubbock. Screw you, West Texas.

 

I’m sick of hypocritical people. I’m tired of projects and papers that are constantly being assigned. I’m sick of being forced to do things I don’t want to do and constantly being on guard. I’m sick of feeling uncomfortable in places I should feel safe, and I’m sick of worrying that I’m always doing something wrong. I’m so tired of putting myself out to make sure other people are happy and not mad at me. I”m sick of not being able to see the most important person in my life when I need to. I miss him all the time, and even when I do see him, I feel as though I’m doing something wrong. I don’t want to write about things I don’t care about. I miss seeing my friends. I’m sick of drama, and feeling like I’m back in high school. I hate everything right now. School sucks. I just want to move out of this town. I don’t want to worry about everything anymore.

 

This makes me sound awful. But I don’t really care right now.

Categories: Thoughts Tags: , , ,

April 5, 2009 Leave a comment

I wish I had someone to talk to right now.

Categories: Uncategorized

Empty

April 4, 2009 Leave a comment

My mom called me today to confirm I had clothes suitable for a funeral. Apparently, my Mimi is not doing too well. I don’t know what  to do.

Categories: Uncategorized