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Archive for September, 2008

Put On Your Brakes

September 27, 2008 3 comments

I can’t sleep tonight. And goodness, I wish I could, because I’ve been sick alll week, and I have to get up early in the morning. Blah.

My mind is spinning in a million different directions right now. I don’t know what brought all these thoughts on. I think it was probably the conversation I had with my parents last weekend. I guess I just keep wondering if some of the decisions I made a couple years ago were the rights ones. I’m wondering if I should have stuck with certain things that I gave up on too quickly. I’m wondering if letting go of some people was a good idea; maybe I should have been more patient, more understanding. I’m wondering why I love my family more than anyone in the world and yet it is impossible for me to show that to them. I clam up and never show them how I really feel. It drives my dad nuts. But they are the ones I turn on the most quickly–I’m not proud of that. Maybe it’s because they know me the best, and I’m afraid of not living up to my parent’s expectations of me. I wonder why I find it so impossible to change myself, when in my heart I want to change so badly. I also wonder why, when my life has been great so far, I find it so much easier to focus on the bad things in my life. I’m making a conscious effort to change that, but it’s difficult. I wonder if what I want to do in the next couple years will work out. It terrifies me that they won’t, because if they don’t, I look like a fool because it’s all that I’ve talked about for the past year.

Life is confusing right now. I’m three semesters away from graduation, and that’s an intimidating thing. But even though everything else is so complicated, I feel as though I’m finally beginning to understand myself so much more. I know, I know, that sounds completely gay and corny. But it’s so true. For most of my life, I defined myself based on other people and their expectations of me. I liked what other people liked, and if I did like something other people didn’t, I’d try not to like it anymore. It’s kind of like that ONE song on the radio, the one that you hate, but it’s one of the most popular songs out there. Eventually, you’re gonna like it. But anyways, now, I’m trying to figure out what it is that makes me happy, that makes me content, things that I enjoy. Even if they are different. For instance, I love musicals. As silly as it is–no, wait, it’s NOT silly, because it’s something that I like. I’m not justifying things anymore. They make me happy, and that’s all there is to it. I love beautiful music; violins, piano, guitar. I love, love early mornings. And, unfortunately, I love late nights too. But mornings are so peaceful, and I’ve found myself getting up at 6 or 6:30 regularly, just to enjoy the quiet. I feel as though I’ve gotten answers as to who I am, who I’m growing into, and that makes me appreciate myself more.

I feel like this post is extremely self-centered, but these are just things that are on my mind. I guess I’m trying to show the people close to me (you know who you are) that I’m really and truly okay. I want to know myself before I love someone else again. I want to depend on myself before I ever have to really depend on another person. I feel like such a nerd putting this all down, but this is the only way I know how to get my thoughts out. For those of you that know me, you know I have trouble speaking the words I want…but when I put pen to paper (or, in this case, fingers to a keyboard) it just flows. So I hope you read this. And I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

 

“Give me a voice.

Flash.

Give me a face.”

–Chuck Palahniuk, “Invisible Monsters”

I thought it was appropriate.

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Safe Harbor

September 23, 2008 Leave a comment

Well this week started off with quite a bang. My weekend was amazing; lots of friends, sleep, reading, and just doing things that made me happy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that my weekend was perfect. My sister was in town Sunday for a soccer game, and I was soo excited to see her! Then, my parents made it even better by calling and saying that  they were going to stop in Lubbock on their way home. (They’d been out of town for about a week and a half, and I hadn’t spoken to them for that long). But I was so happy to see them!!

Sunday with my family didn’t turn out how I expected. I won’t go into any more details on here.

Yesterday was pretty rough. I was up on campus by 9, and had class all the way until 3, with no break in between. I went to work at 4 until 10, so it was a very long day. God definitely took care of me yesterday. I’m finally beginning to learn just how much strength God will give me if I just ask. On my way to work, I called my mom and fell apart, because I have so much to do this week. No lie–one test, one project, one paper, interview 3 people and outline story, 2 take-home quizzes, Spanish compositions and I think that might be it. It just feels like a lot, especially because I work 3 out of 5 week nights.

But anyways, I was talking to my mom, and, sadly, completely lost it. Ten minutes before work, I was sitting in my car thinking, “How am I supposed to go in there and actually help and talk to people?” I begged God to help me out, and I managed to make it through the night, good attitude intact. It was amazing really. I even enjoyed myself at work. I truly do like this job. This is probably really silly, but I knew everything would be okay when I walked in to work and my absolute favorite song was playing. “Dust” by Royworld. It was just one of those small little moments where I had to smile because I knew someone was looking out for me.

I’m making an effort these days to be a better person. I think that I, like all people, have issues and habits that I need to fix.

I don’t really know what the point to this post was. I think, I just want to convey how much I’m learning to rely on God. It gives me such a grounded feeling to know that He is and will always take care of me. A safe place, even when things in my life are currently nuts.

“It is better to trust in the Lord than put your confidence in man.” Psalm 118:8

Close to My Heart

September 21, 2008 Leave a comment

The most curious thing happened at church today. I recently started attending the Heights Fellowship. It’s a great non-denominational church, not too big, and not too small. But anyways, Pastor Mike was speaking, and talking about the announcements for the week. He started talking about See You at the Pole, that is apparently happening on Sept. 24th (this Wednesday). He asked all the students in the room to raise their hands. After he’d given out all the pertinent information, he asked us students (jr. high, high school and college) to stand up. Then he asked everyone around us to gather and he prayed over us, that we would be a voice of strength and truth in our respective schools. At first, as I am skeptical of displays of emotion and whatnot as this, I was a little uncomfortable with unfamiliar people being this close to me. But then, as I listened to the words Pastor Mike was praying, I began to feel differently. It was amazing to me that they consider us to be such as asset in something such as this. And when the prayer was over, I was stunned at the change I felt in myself.

All my life, I’ve been wary of church and religion. I grew up in the church, and I went to a Christian school for much of my elementary and junior high years, but I felt behind when it came to faith. I didn’t want to be a part of something so structured and so…expected. I never had the choice on whether or not I wanted to attend church, and that made me resent it. And I resented it with EVERYTHING inside of me. So much so that when I went to college, I never attended church.

But this past spring semester, I felt so lost, that I begged God to make something change. I wanted out of Lubbock, and away from everyone and everything that I knew. I didn’t know what to expect, but God answered my prayers. He answered them tenfold. He blessed me with two wonderful jobs, and an amazing family that took me in and treated me as their own all summer. I have never felt so safe, loved, protected…and most of all, special. This obvious answer to prayer made me realize that church was more than just attending church each Sunday. To me, it’s more about the feeling I get when I think of the amazing summer I just had. The rush of gratitude and the smile that passes my lips. The feeling of contentedness I have, even though my life doesn’t always goes exactly how I’d prefer. Sometimes, I get down because I can’t always do what I want to do when I want to do it. I get frustrated because I’m ready for my life to take off and get out of this town. But I’ve been trying to keep in mind the fact that even though I’m so ready to be out of here, I still have things I need to get done. God will help me get out of here again. And I’m going to keep that close to my heart for the next year and a half.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

Forcing the Issue

September 18, 2008 Leave a comment

“Do you suppose love is the aspect of the human condition most sought after?” 

This is a line from a book that I worked on this summer. When I read it, I was stopped in my tracks by the truth in these words. I mean, come on. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to have a place of importance in someone else’s life. Everyone wants that special someone, that one person that’s more important than all the rest. I know I do sometimes! Loneliness is a hard thing, and when we don’t have that special love, I think that we do anything we can to find it. But I feel like trying to find it is worse than waiting for it to find you. I think too often we try to make someone into something they’re just not meant to be to us. You can’t force love.

“Why do we stay with lovers,

Who we know, down deep,

Just aren’t right?” –Jonathan Larson, “Louder Than Words”

 

I’m beginning to think that some people are too desperate to find themselves in others. You know what I mean? We think we’ll be complete with someone else. I’m not saying I don’t ever do this. I’m making a conscious effort these days to be okay being single. And I’m getting there! It’s nice to have my independence, and to know that when I graduate, I answer only to myself and what I want to do. No one else’s plans will figure into my decision, I’m determined of that. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s happened to me before, and it’s time for me to do what I want.

For all my friends out there that are engaged, you know how happy I am for all of you!! I think this was more for me to get some of my frustration with myself off of my chest.

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“Dust” by Royworld

September 17, 2008 Leave a comment

These are lyrics to my current favorite song…I just really like the words! Haha.

 

“All that will remain of us,
Are a thousand voices floating in the atmosphere,
Shadows falling in the dust,
And I hear your voice singled out and I want to say,
You and I will never die,
So don’t think about all the space in-between us,
Get that rubbish off your mind,
And how many times can I tell you I love you?

You never believed in yourself,
You’re living life upon a shelf,
And now that the city’s burning,

You’re radioing in,
I’m radioing out,
Come-in anyone,
Is there anyone around?
All I want to say,
What’s it all about?
Radioing in,
I’m radioing out……

Walking down a corridor,
And I hear the sound of conversations through these walls,
Feeling like a lonely soul,
As the ghosts in the shadows sing-along with the radio,
You and I will never die,
And as the sun’s streaming in through the windows from the streets outside,
Come on baby its alright,
And how many times can I tell you I love you?

You never believed in yourself,
You’re living life upon a shelf,
And now that the city’s burning,

You’re radioing in,
I’m radioing out,
Come-in anyone,
Is there anyone around?
All I want to say,
What’s it all about?
Radioing in,
I’m radioing out……
I’m radioing out……
I’m radioing out……
I’m radioing out……
I’m radioing out……

All that will remain of us,
Are a thousand voices floating in the atmosphere,
Shadows falling in the dust,
And how many times can I tell you I love you?”

 

I loooove this song…but it’s by a random band in England so it’s not on iTunes or anthing. Bummer. But they’re awesome!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLvUf50-SvA&feature=user

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Faith in the Workplace

September 17, 2008 Leave a comment

I saw the absolute weirdest thing on the way to my car after classes today…there was a guy riding a motorized cooler. I’m not even kidding. He was just zooming along the sidewalk, with the handle pulled up to create a sort of steering wheel. It was pretty entertaining to watch the expressions of the people he passed on the way.

I started my new job today. Well, not technically new, just new to Lubbock. I worked at New York and Company in Dallas this summer, and I just finally transferred my employed to the store here. It’s…pretty intense. My store in Dallas was quieter, because it was in an outdoor shopping center so it didn’t get as much traffic. But geez, I did not expect the Lubbock store to be so much busier! It was nice though, because the time flew, and I never had a moment to sit or slow down. I really liked that. I hate boring jobs. But oh, my goodness, my feet hurt so bad. This is when I need a boyfriend, so he can give me a foot and back rub! Haha. (Nah, I’m totally content being single.)

I really like working at New York and Company. It’s kind of a female camaraderie thing, because mostly only girls work there, and the clothes are all womens. At the store in Dallas, I worked with a great group of girls. They were so much fun. I’m hoping I get along as well with the girls at the Lubbock store. It’s kind of hard to get used to a new place though…but I think it’ll work out pretty well. I’m optimistic. I’m not going to screw up another job.

School is picking up at a maddening pace. I simply can’t believe that it’s already the fourth week of school…that’s a little sick! But I’m glad it’s flying. However, I have so much to get done tonight, I’m looking at a definite late night. And my first test is Friday, blah.

I started going to this really great church this Sunday. It’s nice to be able to choose on whether or not I want to go. All my life, I’ve had church stuffed down my throat. I went to a Christian school for most of my life, and it made me resent anything related to religion/faith for a long, long time. But this summer changed me. When I got that internship, that golden ticket out of this town, I knew that I was being saved. God knew how badly I needed to get away for a few months. But it really proved to me that someone is looking out for me, and I’ve never felt so safe or loved. I found this incredible church in Flower Mound and I went every single week this summer. It just gave me an amazing feeling of groundedness, that I was in an unfamiliar place but still hearing something familiar. So I decided to continue attending church this semester. And I’ve already met a really nice person at this church! So I’m looking forward to this coming Sunday. 🙂 And that’s how I know I’ve changed. I used to dread Sundays. But now, Sundays leave me feeling refreshed, like I’m ready to take on the new week. And that amazing feeling of being taken care of hasn’t left yet. God is good.

Sorry this blog is a little loopy. My mind is all over the place!!

Categories: school Tags: , , , , , ,

No Day but TODAY!!

September 15, 2008 1 comment

I just bought tickets to RENT’s 2009 tour showing in Dallas!!!!!!!!! Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal will be showing…Oh my goodness. It’s a dream come true.

Categories: new york Tags: