Home > new york, school > I Just Don’t Know Anymore

I Just Don’t Know Anymore

September 13, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

I just don’t know what to do with my life these days. It kind of feels as though I’m trying to keep everything together, and barely succeeding.

For one thing, there’s school. It’s stressful this semester. Beyond stressful. My classes are extremely interactive, and that’s intimidating to me. But after this summer, it’s not as intimidating as it might have been last semester. That’s one thing that I’m grateful for. I love my classes, and I’m interested in what I’m studying, which makes the actual homework thing a lot easier.

But college in general…I don’t know, I think I’m just ready to move on…or at least away from here. Lubbock feels…stifling. Even though it’s in a completely wide open area. I like cities. Lubbock is not a city. I like to sit outside and read, watch people go by. There’s nowhere for me to do that here. Sure, there’s places to sit outside, but the only things I can look at are the cars driving by. I want people; funky, normal and crazy. I love being around people, watching them interact. Everyone’s cut from the same cloth in this town. Everything is always the same, predictable. Who wants predictability? There’s not even any big Obama signs on the roads…but at least four huge John McCain signs on street. Regardless of whom I’m voting for, I just wish that there was some variation in this town.

Then there are my friends. If you’d asked me at the beginning of the summer if I had a best friend, I’d answer “Yes” without a second’s hesitation. But after this summer…I don’t know, it feels like going away made my closest friend forget about me. Out of sight, out of mind. And the people I did make friends with this summer…same thing. I know that sounds pathetic and weepy, but if you saw, you’d understand. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be with best friends. I have friends, I really do. But I need that girl relationship to keep myself going. I live with one of my good friends now…and I love that. But she’s engaged to a wonderful guy, who is also a good friend, and I know that she doesn’t…need me the way that I need a good girlfriend. All my friends have serious boyfriends. I’m the lone single person. Which is fine, honestly, because at this point I don’t want a boyfriend. My last cured me of that for a while. But it’s lonely. When everyone else is going to bed with their significant other, and I retire to my cozy room…by myself. Except for my TV and a book. That’s the worst.

Then, my family. I adore my family, but I can’t seem to express that clearly to them. My parents are wonderful people. My mom is sweet, caring, selfless, and beautiful. My dad is funny, interesting, and makes everyone love him. He’s just the type of person that lights up a room. My sister is athletic, outgoing, and a caring girl. But…I’m very different from my family. I love cities, I love to read, I love funky, bohemian, artsy, “weird” things. I don’t fit in to the easy cookie-cutter pattern of their life. My parents don’t understand me. Mom and Dad want me to stay in Texas, to stay nearby and close to home. They can’t understand how badly I want to move to New York and work in a publishing house. Dad wanted me to be a doctor, so that’s another disappointment to him. They’re glad I found my passion, my reason, but they wish that it could happen closer to home. This leads them to completely shut me out when I try to talk to them about what’s going to happen in a measly 15 or 16 months. In my Dad’s words, “they can’t tell me no”, since I will have graduated by then. Which is their way of saying that they don’t want me to do it, and they would tell me no. My parents are masters at the fine art of financial blackmail. As in, I can do something, but if they don’t like it, Oops! They’re not paying for groceries, for example, anymore.

There’s only been ONE person in my entire extended family, both my parent’s sides, that has ever moved out of the state of Texas. He went to Detroit. And he’s talked about in hushed tones, so as not to upset my grandfather. Sad. But I admire Uncle Richard in that respect, that he’s struck out that way.

My dad’s father, affectionately known as “Papa”, is the one person in my life that has told me, without regard to his personal feelings on the matter, to go for my dreams. No matter how far away they may carry me. I love Papa for this. To have your parents tell you that your dreams are immature is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s made me question myself, but when I do, I know unquestionably that what I want to do is what I’m made to do. If my family can’t deal, that’s too bad.

  1. sherrieh
    September 13, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    My friend, change is in the air. It is not uncommon for someone your age to be having these thoughts and feelings about your family and about your future. I went through similar things when I went away to university.

    Today on my blog, I wrote about loving yourself first. Please check it out as there might be some things in there that can help you on your journey.

    Go to http://www.sherrieh.wordpress.com or for more information go to http://www.moonwomenspirituality.com. Good luck on your journey through life!

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: