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Peace.Courage.Faith.Hope…Possibility.

November 26, 2009 1 comment

Happy Thanksgiving!

I entered this holiday with a renewed sense of contentment. The second I arrived back in Midland it was as though every worry I had on the drive home flew out the window. (I always roll down my window once I spot the town on the horizon. Don’t ask me why; I just do.) I didn’t think about the three major projects I have due (Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday), or the paper I have due Wednesday or the two stories I have to write for the yearbook. Or the fact I graduate three weeks from this Saturday. Or that I still need to find a little thing called a job in that big city of Boston. Nothing was in my head except for the anticipation of seeing my family.

Yes, I go home often. Normally I go there to escape from Lubbock, because sometimes I just can’t stomach the thought of having to stay in that town during the weekends. I see my family quite often (except for my sister), but everything is different during the holidays. Everything seems more simple; all that matters is that they are my family, the ones who love me, support me, and care about me–and the only place I wanted to be was right here.

Yesterday I felt wrapped up in the arms of my cozy home. Since I got here I have not left the house once. I gave myself the chance to slow down, to breathe a little. And it gave me the chance to remember what I will be leaving behind in January.

I’m so grateful to have such an amazing set of parents. For the most part, their relationship is the one I hold up to as an example of what I hope to someday have. They balance each other perfectly, and I love that about them.

I’m thankful for my little sister. I love her carefree attitude toward life; her tendency to act (in a good way) like a little kid. She hasn’t lost that vibrancy, that innocence, that being an adult usually takes away. I admire that, and sometimes I am jealous.

I am thankful for my Grandmommy and Grandaddy. They are my mom’s parents, and they are one of the best sets of grandparents someone could ever hope for. Yes, my grandmother talks for hours on end, but every little thing she does is out of love. My grandfather is the strong, silent type, but I like to imagine him in his prime. I believe he used to be a force to be reckoned with, and I am glad to still have him with me.

I’m thankful for my precious Papa. I did not get to see him today (because he’s in New York; go him!), and I missed him. He is everything to me. I admire him because he stood by my grandmother for the 11 years Alzheimer’s ravaged her mind. He is steadfast and strong, kind and caring, honest and true. Today was my first taste of a holiday without him, and I didn’t like it. I would be lost without my Papa. And my sweet Mimi–I missed her today. Painfully. I know in my heart if she were still here the whole family would be hurting, but I wish I could have her here as I know she is now: restored, healthy and whole. Beautiful and elegant, as she used to be.

I’m thankful for peace, courage and faith. For hope. For possibilities–the endless kind. I’m thankful I had the courage to stand up for what I want for myself and my life. Is it bad if this is what I am most thankful for this year? It seems so self-centered; but I’ll be honest: it’s true. If I had not had the courage to talk to my parents and the courage to just do it and take off for Boston, I would be so unhappy right now. Knowing I’m leaving makes me more aware of what I’m leaving behind. This, in turn, makes it harder to leave. But that will make coming back home so much better. So much sweeter.

Right now everything that has been bothering me seems so small. And I know tomorrow or Saturday I will probably wake up and be sad again or be stressed, but at least for this day I was peaceful.

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Wishing it all away.

November 25, 2009 Leave a comment

I can’t sleep. I really should get to bed because I have to be awake in five and a half hours. Urgh.

It’s Thanksgiving break. I cannot believe this semester is over…I mean, it’s not yet. But after Thanksgiving the time is going to race by. And that makes me sad.

I wished college away. Ever since I started at Texas A&M back in 2006 I just wanted to be finished and out in the real world. I felt so restless and unhappy and thought I would never see the end of school.

But now? Now I’m at the end. Not only does that scare the pants off of me, it makes me regret wishing everything away. What did I miss out on? What kind of friends did I miss out on making because I made the choice to sit in my room on a Friday night instead of going out?

I feel I have remedied that this semester; even just a little. I finally got my feet underneath me, found jobs I enjoyed. I made a few new friends, and my old friends became better friends. Best friends.

So I guess I’m sad because I finally figured out how to be comfortable and content in college–for the most part. I wish I had more time. Even as I type those words though, my chest tightens at the thought of actually staying another semester. So maybe I am ready to move on. I think I’m sad at the thought of saying goodbye to some wonderful people. And I’m sad to say goodbye to my “security blanket.” College is safe. College is a bubble. Especially one like Texas Tech.

Moving to Boston is getting closer. I can almost stretch out my fingers and touch it, feel it. I’m beginning to get more nervous. In fact, I had a small breakdown last week. I started panicking, thinking, “What the F*** am I doing, packing up and moving to Boston? Am I CRAZY?”

And maybe I am crazy. Maybe I’m being hopelessly naive about this entire thing. But I don’t care. I love it when people react to my news of leaving. Most people are so supportive of it, and that makes me feel so much better about it. I had a friend say to me today how excited he was for me that I was leaving and doing what I want; taking a chance. And that? Pretty much made my day. It’s good to be reassured that maybe I’m not a crazy freak who can’t be happy in Texas. Of course, he hates Texas too, so that probably went into his comments.

Enough about Boston for tonight.

My heart hurts, for a few reasons.

I disappointed my parents this past weekend, and I hate myself for it. I don’t want to explain everything that happened, but basically, I messed up. I have never felt so terrible about something in my life. And I don’t know how to rectify it. How do I show my parents how sorry I truly am? I’m terrified about facing them tomorrow.

The second reason my heart hurts is because of someone who has become very special to me in the last two months. I’m sad because I’m leaving, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see him again. It’s hard. It makes me angry not only because I have to leave him, but because I wonder why I didn’t get to meet him sooner.

I can’t sleep tonight, partly because of that. I can’t stop thinking about everything.

I say to myself each day: “You’ll forget. You’ll forget the boy who made you laugh. Forget the boy who made your heart light, who made your eyes dance. Your heart will stop hurting.”

It’ll happen for me someday. I’ll figure it out. For now? Boston is my true love. It’s what I want, more than anything else in the world. I’m not considering giving it up.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt like hell about it. Cry, too.

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Pain.

November 21, 2009 Leave a comment

“So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”  –Grey’s Anatomy.

 

That’s all I want.

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Just thinking aloud.

November 18, 2009 Leave a comment

Yes. I realize I just posted something. But I can’t sleep, and I’m having one of those nights where I just want to write. And write and write. It’s right there. There’s something that I want to say; it’s just a matter of figuring out what that is. So I will spout random thoughts until it becomes cohesive. If it ever does.

I am thinking about getting a tattoo. Fo’ realz. (I’m tired. Don’t judge.) If I get one, I want to get a dove. Doves are my absolute, all-time favorite religious symbols, and I love it’s meaning: peace. I need peace. I need certainty. That’s what I need more than anything.

 

I wish that I was a good writer. I think it’d be beautiful to write for a career. But I could never swing it. I don’t have the right words.

Which sucks. Because I’m not that great of a copy editor, either. So, what do I do? What if the one thing I want to do with my life (be an editor) is something I’m just not good at? What if I can’t do it? I don’t want to be like that kid who dreams about being a professional basketball player (or whatever) and has to be told by his parents or coach or whoever that, sorry, but he’s just not gonna cut it.

Editing makes me self-conscious. All these stories I have to edit for work? I check and re-check them. Constantly. I want to do well when I edit. I take my jobs so seriously. They mean so much to me, and I want to do the best job possible. I know I’m not the most talented or intuitive editor out there, but I’m praying that my willingness to work my butt off will be obvious to my future employers.

But really: what if I can’t do it? I know I shouldn’t think this way. But it’s such a deep-rooted fear that I can’t help it. I’m terrified. Absolutely, 100% terrified about it.

 

Enough worrying. What’s meant to be will be, right? I’m so sick of hearing those platitudes.
You can spout those to me all you want, but it’s not going to make me feel any better. I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control of my life, and that’s how it makes me feel.

 

Yep, this post is going nowhere. Fail.

 

I need to go to sleep. But my brain won’t sleep.

 

Categories: Uncategorized

Realization. Appreciation. Happy-ation.

November 18, 2009 1 comment

So this past weekend I went to Midland for my mom’s birthday. She did not know I was coming, or that she would be thrown a huge surprise party Friday night.

It was phenomenal. Although my sister could not be there (7 hours is a long drive), Mom was thrilled I was able to make it. The look on her face when she saw me at the party (and the subsequent tears) was priceless. Absolutely priceless. It meant so much to me to make it in town for the party, and I know it meant so much to her.

The party was a blast. My mom’s friends are great, and this was the first time most of them had heard I’m moving to Boston in January. I got a lot of praise for it, but one woman’s reaction stood out to me. She heard about it, and then looked straight at me and said: “I’m curious to see how long you make it up there.” Uh, thanks. Appreciate that. I’ll show you, I guess.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to talk about my mom. For a long time, I saw her as a sweet, timid woman. I love her to death, but sometimes I just worried about her, I guess. My opinion of her has changed after this weekend home. I was sitting on the couch listening to everyone talk, and my mom was telling a story. I was half-listening, half-observing everyone at the party, and I realized, my mom had EVERYONE in the room laughing hysterically. She was telling a story and had every single person engaged and enjoying themselves. It made me smile to see my “timid” mother carrying the conversation this way. (The lemon-drop martinis may have helped a little. Hello, vodka. Geez.) Anyway, when I realized this, the woman to my left leaned over and says: “You know, your mother is a very forceful woman.”

I kind of started for a second, and then I thought, “you know what? She’s totally right.” And she was. My mom is amazing. She knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it, regardless of what she has to do to get it. She’s not afraid to call and ask questions of people in power. She single-handedly revamped the Midland Reporter-Telegram’s food section. She substitute teaches those snotty kids in the public school system. She put up with me in junior high. (Haha, guys. Joke.)

I’ve always been told that when I’m older I would appreciate my mom, and I feel like I am getting closer to that point. In the last few months she and I have become very close. I value her input and I want her advice. I never appreciated that before, but now that I’ve realized my mom is stronger than I ever believed, there’s no one I would rather be like. I hope that I can be like that when I get to Boston. I hope that I won’t be afraid to ask questions and figure out what I need and how to get it. I hope I won’t be so intimidated as I am now. I need my mother’s strength.

Now for the Boston update. 🙂 I sent in my deposit and last month’s rent check today. So the space in the apartment is officially mine. (!!!!!) Can you all just take a moment and appreciate this, please? It never fails to amaze me. I know whoever (if anyone) reads this probably gets sick of me waxing poetic (heh heh) about Boston and moving, but seriously? This is a beautiful time for me. I want to document every single thing I can. (Remember? Alzheimer’s runs in my fam. It’s half the reason I keep this thing. To remember.)

Anyway, back to the beauty of this whole thing. I have been waiting to move for the last three years. That may not seem like too long to some people, but seeing as I’ve been so eager to get out of school for that long, it’s a lifetime. I do regret wishing away so much of college, however. What’s especially ironic is that now that I’m one month away from graduating college, I’m not entirely ready to leave. I’ve found my bubble, my place, my group–and I’m scared to leave.

But I’m more scared not to. And that’s why I’m doing this. That’s why I have to do this. Don’t get me wrong; I’m more excited than you could imagine. But the fear (read: sheer, blinding terror.) is always there. In my chest, in a knot.

I do have one question though, just to send out into the universe. Because, in the words of You’ve Got Mail, I just want to send this question out into the cosmic void, and maybe someone out there will answer for me.

Why does something amazing have to come along when I’m leaving? It blows.

Back to Boston. I’m gonna live in Beantown. I will be packing up my books, clothes, and my cat and taking off for the big city. I have to say, I am so excited that I found a place to live where they want a pet. Truth be told, I could not imagine leaving and having to get rid of little Copper. He’s a little shithead at times, but he’s that one living thing that will be physically with me in all of this. Haha. Dramatic me.

I’m still trying to figure out a departure date. Sometime in January, obviously.

WHAT if I can’t find a job? That’s another one of those cosmic questions for the void.

Another big thing happened today: I ordered graduation announcements. I really cannot believe that I will be graduating from COLLEGE in a month. It’s amazing. And scary, exciting, wonderful, terrifying, etc. It’s complicated.

School and work are crazy at the moment. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m exhausted. And yet, it’s 2 a.m. and I’m awake and writing this when I have to be up at 7. There’s a great decision there. Go me.

Thanksgiving is next week, and I’m a little worried about it. It’s the first holiday since my Mimi passed away, and I feel like it will be weird. Papa is going to New York City, which he totally deserves, and my cousins are not coming. It all makes sense, but it will be odd not having the entire family in Midland.

I miss Mimi so much still. I think of her every day, and hope that if she can see me, she’s proud. That’s a random thought, there. Sorry.

I just want to say. I really like this blog. I like writing it; I like talking about my life. I feel like my written words give more insight into me and my head than my spoken words could ever hope to. I’m not very good at talking sometimes. It’s from reading all those damn books. They got me lost in my head; in my thoughts. Ugh, random/weird thought. Don’t judge. That’s all I ask.

“I wish I could tell you / Everything I feel right now / But if I did it might / Change how you see me / And who would want that?”

“Sometimes when I’m sad / I think of you and me / and how you used to hold me / And always take care of me / So I look to the sky / And I pray to God / You can see me now”

Empty.

November 11, 2009 1 comment

I sometimes think my life is a joke to God. Like he’s looking down and going, “Oh Katie. You think you’re going to get what you want.”

 

 

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Runaway…just…runaway.

November 8, 2009 1 comment

This pretty much is how I’ve been feeling lately:

 

It’s been a long week
I’ve got a slow leak in my left front tire
I’m sick of where I work
My boss is such a jerk, don’t care if I get fired

My bag’s about to break
No money in the bank and she don’t call me anymore
I’m down to my last drink
It’s time to sell my things

And pack my bag and never look back
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks ohh
And make my getaway
Put the pedal to the medal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight
At the break of day… I’ll be a runaway (be a runaway, be a runaway)

A hundred miles in I got a stupid grin on my scruffly face
With every cigarette I’m burnin’ my regret Don’t wanna leave a trace
And from the rearview I’ve got a clear view of who I used to be
A little bit faster now don’t wanna turn around

I’m gonna pack my bags and never look back
Run a parallel with the railroad tracks ohh And make my getaway
I’ll put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight(ohh)
At the break of day I’ll be a runaway (be a runaway, be a runaway) I’ll be a runaway, I’ll be a runaway be a runaway)

It’s crazy I know to count on this road to give me what I need
but with every state line
somehow I find another part of me yeah yeah

(instrumental)

I’m gonna pack my bags and never look back
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks ohh
And make my getaway
I’ll put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight ohh
And at the break of day I’ll be a runaway
(be a runaway I’ll be a runaway) yeah I’ll be a runaway (I’ll be a runaway) I’ll be a runaway…

 

Yep. Runaway.

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