Driven.

I found out today that I’m definitely going to graduate in December (according to my advisor.) So if for some reason I don’t, blame her. And while that excites me immensely, it also terrifies me. Now, I have to start really thinking about another summer internship. And more importantly, now I have to start thinking about a job, an actual, real-life job. My goodness. I could be in New York in a little over a year.

And that leads me to my biggest fear. What if, after I’ve told everyone I want to go to New York, I can’t get a job there? How humiliating would that be? I can’t even bear to consider it. But I’m beginning to think I should. With how expensive everything is, and how much things are changing up there, I’m getting scared that it’s a definite possibility.

I’m going to do everything I can to make up there. I know I’ll live in a hole. I’m fully expecting to have to get a second job for the weekends. I know it’s going to be scary and lonely, especially considering I know exactly one person currently living in the city. That’s daunting. (Luckily, I do have distant relatives in Pennsylvania, so that’s a bit of a consolation if I ever need a break.) I think I also need to grow a tougher skin. Ha.

New York is what drives me. My room is filled with pictures from my trip; my calendar is all New York; the desktop on my computer is the Brooklyn Bridge. I have to keep reminders surrounding me so that I remember I’ll be out of this place soon. I can’t wait to be back. I can’t wait to navigate the crowded, bustling sidewalks, listen to the constant noise of traffic, see the sights. I can’t wait to learn my way around the city and finally understand the subway map. Haha. Hopefully I won’t end up in Queens again the next time I take it. (When my mom and I went in March, we got on the wrong train. And ended up in Queens. Where, while I was doubled up with laughter, my mom was in tears. Obviously, I thought it was kind of funny. But Mom was panicked. It was quite amusing, and I soothed her with, “Mom, don’t worry! Doug and Carrie live here!” Watch King of Queens.) I’m also pretty excited about visiting that 4 story Barnes & Noble again!

 

On a completely different note, I have a new job. 🙂 I’m finished with retail, until I absolutely have to again. Yesterday, I got hired at the La Ventana, the yearbook at Tech. I’m pretty excited. I’ve really enjoyed News Writing, regardless of the ridiculous workload, and I like the structured way it requires you to write. I’ve been doing pretty well, and this job will definitely test and hone my abilities as a writer. It’s also pretty cool that if I make it, my stories that I write will be forever in the yearbook. I’ll have a byline!! Awesome.

I suppose that’s all for now.

Lonely?

“She had something in common with him, the possibility of spending Christmas alone with nothing for company but a big book. And something else: a kind of stillness in the face of being left. She had friends, she had her work, but in some essential way the important thing had already happened to her. I was back, yes, but I didn’t ever want to feel that way, that there was nothing new up ahead.

‘Are you lonely now?’

She looked over at me, my mother in her burgundy linen work dress, glasses hanging from a cord around her neck. She shook her head. ‘Lonely is a funny thing,’ she said slowly. ‘It’s almost like another person. After a while, it’ll keep you company if you let it.’ ”

Ann Packer, “The Dive From Clausen’s Pier”

I realize I just posted all about this book, but I felt like this deserved it’s own post. I love this scene. I’m not sure why.

The Dive.

I just finished the most amazing book: “The Dive From Clausen’s Pier” by Ann Packer. It was one of those books that I just…curled up in every time I picked it up. I let the story surround me, lost myself in it, lived the life of Carrie. I was exhausted when I read about Mike’s troubles as a quadriplegic. I was ecstatic when Carrie escaped the confines of Madison and found her way to the vastness of, yes, New York City. That was a pleasant surprise. I felt the frustration of knowing someone like Kilroy, a person so mysterious that it was exhilarating. The brilliant descriptions of the city made me stop and smile, and pray that I would be there soon. That I would be one of those people rushing on the sidewalks.

“Nonetheless, I headed off to look, still such a newcomer that the traffic unnerved me, the groaning buses, the scream of an ambulance, the flash and honk of a dozen taxis. The density of people on the streets amazed me–the density and the variety: I’d always thought Madison was pretty multicultural, but it was clear now how white it really was. I saw faces from olive to deep brown, heard accents I didn’t recognize, languages I couldn’t begin to identify.”

“New Yorkers were different. Old or young, crazy or brilliant, plain or gorgeous–they didn’t just walk outside, they made a presentation, they presented themselves. They said, This is who I am, today I’m someone wearing these boots, I’m walking with this look on my face, I’m having this intense and troublesome discussion with this difficult and beloved friend.”  (When I move to New York, I hope that I can be this unaffected by the people around me. I want to be that free and unworried. That is one of the most appealing things to be about the city: the anonymity. Yes it’s lonely, but no one watches you constantly every minute to see what you’re going to do; no one will see when you mess up. Isn’t there some appeal to that? There is for me.

And my favorite quote: (Sorry, I’m sure this is dreary. But I just had to share.)

“High above the city, we tried but failed to find the riverside spot where we’d be half an hour earlier, the Hudson itself a swath of crinkled black tafetta, creased with light. Below us the city multiplied and divided, neighborhoods and blocks and buildings–but within the buildings, whole countries, whole worlds.” Diversity. A taste of the world?

Ann Packer is a beautiful writer!

I think that I loved this book so much because I could relate to Carrie. I felt like we were alike, like I could find parts of myself within  her character. That sounds unbelievably lame but I believe that’s the mark of a great book. Who wants to read about bland characters? However, I don’t think I related to her because she went to New York. I think it was more because I get restless. And I want to hide when things get rough or when I’m simply tired of my daily routine. I apologize constantly and for things I am not guilty of. I try to figure people out, and I push and push and push until I’m satisfied.

I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m coming out of a trance, and I hate that. I’m disappointed to leave that world. Sometimes I think these fictitious worlds are so much better than real life. That could be a bad thing.

I’m sorry if my writing is completely awful. I read back over it and I have to wonder what people think. But then, I never said I was a writer, so does it matter? Editing’s my thing. So those commas better be straight.

I Know How I Feel.

I’m so tired of being told how I feel. Every time I go home it’s a constant battle with my parents in which they confront me about something or other. They wait until my sister discreetly leaves the house and then they find me wherever I may be and say, “Katie, can you come in here for a minute? I just want to ask you one question.” That is the most dreaded statement that comes out of my parent’s mouths.

 Like this past weekend, for example, my dad came into the laundry room where I was messing around on the computer and made me come sit with him in the den. I don’t want to go in to details, but basically, my parents and I have been discussing certain things because they believe one thing about me while I believe another. Somehow, I think I’m right, considering it’s about myself, but they don’t see it that way. I know how I feel…isn’t that enough?

Anytime I defend myself, my parents say that I’m wrong. That I do “this” because….Or I say that because….whatever their reasoning is.

Basically it ended with my dad saying that if it’s my personality, so be it. Wow, great. Thanks a bunch Dad. I don’t know what it is. But do you have any idea how much it SUCKS to be the quiet or broody one in a family of extroverts? It’s not easy. It’s living on the outside, on the fringe of things. I can’t joke the way they do; my humor’s not the same. My dad doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t get that things bother me or that it takes me time to work through how I feel about things. And often when I think I’ve got it, I don’t. I can’t just tell him how I feel immediately (if ever); I have to process. He always says it’s like pulling teeth out trying to get me to tell him how I feel about something or other.

One thing that did work out Sunday is that Dad congratulated me on actually getting through a conversation the way he liked: no emotion from me whatsoever. Woo-freaking-hoo. Did he have any idea how hard I was gritting my teeth to keep from saying something I would regret? Nope. Of course, that’s why I had to leave immediately after this conversation, even though it was 11 in the morning and I had been planning to stay in Midland until late afternoon. Oh well.

I’m sorry to be such a melancholy bore. I know this isn’t any fun for anyone to read, but then, you don’t have to be reading this, so feel free to stop at any minute. I just needed some way to get all of this crap out of my head. I have way too much going on this week to be worrying about this.

On a much, much brighter note, I saw my Papa this weekend. He is such an amazing man. It’s so easy to make him happy. I visited with him for about an hour, and we just had a great time talking and catching up. He’s very predictable, however. Inevitably, his first question is: “How’s the love life?” Sadly, nothing to report, Papa. Once again. Sorry to disappoint you! I really hate that question sometimes. Lately, even with everything going on with the ‘rents, my family has become so important to me–especially my grandparents. I’m trying really hard to keep in touch with them, both sets. My mother’s parents are incredible; they’re 80+ and still traveling the world. Right now they’re taking a cruise on the east coast of the United States. They stop in New York. Lucky. And Papa…well, it doesn’t even do him justice to say how amazing he is. He’s been taking care of my Mimi for the last 6 or 7 years. And that hasn’t been easy, trust me. I don’t know how he does it, because it hurts so much. I think it would be safe to say that just for that, he is my hero and role model. Everyone should be so lucky to have someone with such selflessness and devotion in their life. I hope he knows how much the entire Huff family worries about him. I also hope he knows how much we absolutely adore him. I try to send him a letter every couple of weeks just to let him know how much I miss him.  

That diverted from my original intent. Anyways, this week is going to be so crazy. For News Writing, I have to find and conduct 4 interviews with sources. Ugh. Whenever we have assignments like this, it never ever leaves my mind. Even tonight, when there is absolutely nothing else I can do tonight, I keep going back to my computer and looking at the same things I looked at all afternoon hoping to find something new. I just want it to be next Monday. I’ll be completely finished and looking forward to my road trip to College Station. 🙂

At least this weekend I can just sit down and write. And write. I’m definitely looking forward to it. But anyways, I need to get some sleep. I have a really important interview (I’m being interviewed) tomorrow that I want to nail. Wish me luck.

And if you’re still reading…thanks.

Get Over It

I had a dream last night I wish I didn’t have.

 

It was one of those dreams that was so real it was still with me when I woke up. And then I realized it wasn’t real…that’s always a bummer to come down from.

 

But anyways, today was a good day. I ended up coming home last minute to spend some time with my family. I haven’t been home since Labor Day weekend, so this was a good trip. I watched “The Ring” tonight with my dad, and I can’t believe that actually used to scare me. It’s ridiculous now!

 

The Tech/A&M game is tomorrow, and I have to say, I think I’ve pretty much decided I’m over college football. Which kind of sucks, because I love football games so much. But I’m tired of everyone I know from A&M saying how horrible of a school Tech is and stuff. I go here guys, so thanks, but you’re insulting me too. Ever think of that? And I’m sick of everyone at Tech saying crap about A&M. Just get over it already. It’s a game that’s not even going to matter in a few years.