Archive

Archive for October, 2010

Life gave me a kick in the pants this week.

October 29, 2010 Leave a comment

This week I had not one, but two, people tell me something that bothered me horribly.

“Katie, you’re never happy. What’s going on?”

“Katie, you weren’t happy in Lubbock so you moved to Boston. Then you moved back to Lubbock after Boston, and you’re unhappy again. When are you ever going to be happy?”

Um…

Ok.

Apparently, it’s time for a little self-reflection.

And here’s what I came up with.

I’m not unhappy — in any way, shape or form. I’m frustrated, and that feels like a huge difference to me.

I’m frustrated and deeply disappointed in myself. When I moved to Boston, I had all the optimism in the world. I was going to go up there, kick some Yankee butt and ingrain myself in that life. I was going to find an awesome job in the publishing industry, and basically, start over.

So I did that. In January 2010 I hopped on a plane with my cat and a suitcase and a hell of a lot of dreams and left the hometown I was born and raised in. 

Four months later, I was back. Granted, I am back for a great job, a real job, (and that’s more than some people can say) but still. I’m back.

No matter what anyone says to me, no matter how many people tell me I “made it in Boston,” I don’t feel like I did. I feel like I gave up. Like I threw away my dreams of the last few years because things got a little hard. It feels like I turned my back on the girl I was in January and ignored her pleas to stay. To power through and keep trying and pushing and hoping and wishing.

I’m so disappointed in myself, it’s hard to explain. I hate living with this much regret. I hate that, as my sister phrased it, “I’m drowning in self-pity.” It’s true and when she said that to me it was like the universe slapped me in the face and told me to get the hell over it.

But. And here’s the part where everyone reading this realizes that I’m really not a total downer. My mindset is turning around.

I am where I am, and regardless of how I wish it were different, it’s not going to change for a while. And you know what? I’m thinking that may be OK for now.

I’m realizing more and more how where I am right now is not bad. It’s finally hit me that living with such a sh*tload of regret and disappointment backlogged in my brain and my heart is essentially crippling my life. It’s not healthy, and even more than that, it’s not going to get me back to where I want to be. The only thing that will get me back on track is more of that optimism I talked about earlier. And sheer will. And you know I have that.

But the way I see it, I had two choices back in May/June when I was offered this job. Both choices would have given me different experiences, new people to meet and various life lessons to learn.

Neither choice was bad. Neither choice was clearly the better choice.

Because I chose to take this job, I’m going to end up somewhere different than if I had stayed in Boston. While that’s a hard truth to swallow, I have to believe it. And I’m not going to end up somewhere bad. It’s just going to be much different than I originally thought it would be.

But isn’t that sort of the beauty of life and the power of making your own choices? You never know what’s around the next corner, and I love that.

So long story short, I’m sorry everyone. I’m sorry for imposing my frustration on all of you, as I know it hasn’t made me a fun person to be around. Know that I’m trying; know that I’m attempting to turn all this negativity into peace — into optimisim and hope and dreams for my future. It’ll happen. I’m not going to be drowning anymore.

So thank you, Universe. And thanks to my friends and sister who aren’t afraid to be honest and call it like it is.

I just hate that I have to wait for my next adventure, haha.

Advertisements

The dreamer’s disease.

October 21, 2010 2 comments

It’s time to write a kick ass post, because it’s been far, far too long since I wrote a good one. You know what I’m talking about? I need a post that almost brings me to tears when I re-read it. One that fills me up heart and soul and leaves me spent and nearly empty because I poured my whole self into these words I’m letting you all read.

One of those.

So hopefully, here I go.

I’ve been on “vacation” the last couple of days. When I say vacation I mean I’ve got five mandatory days off work and I’m in Midland at my parent’s house. Which is nice. Ish. I definitely needed the days off work. I’m beyond exhausted.

Needless to say however, I’ve had a bit of time on my hands. Today was spent in my pajamas, laying on the couch and watching freakin’ Jersey Shore reruns. Ew. I feel like I need a shower after watching their antics.

But I’ve also spent much of the day reading blogs. Travel blogs, specifically. I follow a few, but today I took the time to look at who they follow.

And whoa.

It was a goldmine, an absolute gold mine of goodness. Here, look. And here. And just for good measure, go look here too.

I’m not jealous of these people. I’m admiring of the way they faced into the wind and the unknown and took that terrifying leap.

Earl’s Syria post resonated with me the most.

He talks about how there were some moments in Syria where he felt nothing but “unrestricted happiness.” It’s a beautiful post. It filled me with longing because I’ve felt that before.

I’ve felt that beautiful feeling of absolute rightness. That feeling of peace, of love for anyone and everyone in your path. It’s a beautiful thing. I felt it when I breathlessly hopped on the trains in Boston with just seconds to spare before it left the station. Or when my regular customers recongnized me and I them. I felt it when I trotted up and down the streets of New York City, letting the energy revitalize me and remind me just how very alive I am.

I almost think it’s that feeling those bloggers have that I’m searching for. Their posts have embedded in my mind the idea of going to these countries that I’d never before considered.

Albania. Syria. Turkey. Morocco. Egypt. South Africa. Czech Republic. Cambodia. India. Peru. Argentina. Thailand. China. Tibet. (I HAVE to see Everest — whether it’s from the Tibet or Nepal side; I don’t really care.)  So many more places. The far-flung corners of the globe.

I say this all the time, that I can’t wait to travel and see the world, but maybe it’s time to start thinking more seriously about it. At the very least maybe I should start making a list of where I want to go and what all I want to see and experience.

Maybe it’s time to start dreaming again.

After all, isn’s that the momentum that got me all the way to Boston? Aren’t the wild and crazy dreams and ideas and the belief it can happen what makes me me?

I feel like it’s the part of me that’s been missing for six months now. And I feel like it’s the part of me that I need to get back. Right now. ( I almost typed right meow.)