Archive

Archive for August, 2009

Shucks.

August 28, 2009 1 comment

I should never say what I’m actually feeling. Again, I imagine too much. And I’m always disappointed. Like now.

Categories: Thoughts Tags: , ,

I’m going to dream big.

August 27, 2009 Leave a comment

I want to know why I am not allowed to dream anymore.

 

Everyone (ok, mostly adults) has constantly been telling me the last fews months I have to find a job.

Wow. Really? I didn’t know that. Thanks.

 I know this. I know that as of December 16, I am on my own. A grown-up. Responsible. Right. I’m not sure I believe that. I know I should. But I’m 21. I want to find a job, but I want to have adventure. I don’t want to be on the fast track to the cookie-cutter life: a house in the suburbs, husband, two kids and a dog. I don’t want that yet. Eventually.  But not now.

ALl the emphasis on finding a job has thrown me for a loop.  

The whole time I was growing up, all I was ever told was to get out there and follow my dreams. I was told I could anything, be anything, go anywhere and do anything I want to do. I was told to try things. Experience. Make friends. See the world.

Now? Now all I hear is that the economy is in the hole. I should, basically, settle, for anywhere that will deign to hire me. I’m not sure I want to fall for that. I do not know if I can. I don’t think I can make myself do something, just because it’s the practical or smart thing to do.

 

I grew up with my head in books. There are so many movies and shows and music groups I’ve never heard of because I essentially read my way through my childhood. I didn’t know my way around my hometown until I was 16 because I read every time I got in the car with my mom to go somewhere. But I’m not sure all this reading helped me out. Now? I have an extremely vivid imagination. Everything that happens, every little bitty thing causes my mind to range out and probe the various possibilities and outcomes of an event. Every conversation, every meeting with new people.

It’s distracting at times. And I’m always disappointed by what happens in reality because, in the words of Chuck Palahniuk, “the unreal is more powerful than the real.” And I hate that. So much. I wish, so often, that things could turn out the way I want them to. Sometimes they do. Sometimes things are worse than I imagine. Sometimes even, they happen to turn out better. It’s rare, but it’s always something to remember when that happens.

It’s something I wish would happen more often, but if it did, I wouldn’t be so grateful for it.

 

So now that leads me to my point. I like to dream. I like to imagine. I know that what I imagine can happen sometimes, so I have to believe it will eventually. And it’s impractical and flighty, but I do it, and I’m going to continue to do it. I believe in my future. I believe I can do anything and have what I want. I’d like to believe I deserve to get what I want.

 

I’m tired of being told to settle and get a job just because someone offers it to me. I want to do something impractical.

 

My favorite word used to be “breathless.” But now? Now it’s “possibility.” This probably sounds intensely lame, but I don’t care anymore. Possibility can encompass the entire world. So I think we all have to consider the possibilities, and remember everything is possible.

 

So stop telling me I need to settle for a job. Because I’m not going to.  

 

To my parents: I’m not happy in Texas. And I won’t be until I’m ready to settle down. Maybe not even then. I love you both, but I’m going to be OK. I’m a smart girl. I’m not going to do something stupid. I want to work.

 

To my professors: Stop trying to scare me. You’re supposed to be encouraging.

 

Hi, Michael. 🙂 Can’t wait for your and Lori’s wedding. I’m happy for the both of you.

(Was that a good mention?)

 

On another note, classes started today. This morning, I thought it would be my last first day of school ever, but now I’m not so certain. This semester should be interesting. I can already tell I’m not going to put in a ton of effort. That could be bad. I need motivation.

‘I think I’ll start a new life.’

August 26, 2009 Leave a comment

Everyone who’s read this before knows how I wanted to move to New York as soon as I graduate. And that’s a great big, grand dream of mine. Or was.

This summer made me question some of the things I want for myself and my future: Do I want to be so far away from family? Do I want to be all by myself in a place where no one knows me? Do I want to feel so anonymous? Do I want to be in a field that is in such a terrible place right now?

It’s been scary, to say the least. I have not enjoyed facing the start of my last semester in school and suddenly second guessing everything I’ve relied on to get me through school the last three years. I’m nervous because I don’t even know where to begin looking for a job. But I think I have a new plan. Possibly.

 

For a long time, it’s always been New York for me. I loved the pace, the grandeur, the lights, the unpredictability. But I also loved that it was completely different from anything that I’ve known so far. I saw it as an escape; somewhere I could just. . . be. My dream of New York was something I held on to at night when I was struggling with not being happy with where I was.

But it’s changed.

 

I know I will always be a Texas girl at heart. I love the dry air, I love the unpredictable weather. I love how people actually respond when I say “Excuse me” after bumping in to them. I love how when I drive from Lubbock to Midland it’s a straight shot, and the sky is blue and the corn fields are always slightly blowing in the wind.

 

But ultimately? I would never be happy if I stayed in Texas forever. Ultimately? I want to live somewhere like New York or Boston. I went to Boston last week, and it comforted me to know that I’d be OK if I moved there. Or New York. Or wherever.  

 

I was in Boston for a total of 5 full days…the 18th through the 24th. But I was there all by myself the 21st through the 24th. I kind of saw those three days as a trial run for me; a chance to see if I’d 1) curl up in a ball in my hotel room, or 2) get out there and do something. And I got out there and did something. I’m glad I did. I met fun, interesting people, and went out and had fun. I tried something new–riding a bike through Boston. (Me? The biggest klutz on earth? I was a bit dubious it would turn out OK, but luckily, I didn’t injure anyone.) It turned out to be the best part of my trip. I ran through the rain. I watched the ocean and marveled at its beauty. I wandered. I got lost and figured out where I was again. I had a beer (OK, half a beer) inside Fenway Park during a Red Sox-Yankees game. I people-watched. I was asked for directions. 🙂 I danced. I forgot about everything that hurt me recently, and just lived for what was happening right then instead of worrying myself over what HAD happened. It was perfect.

I made a friend with whom I’d like to keep in touch. I did not expect that to happen. (P.S.–I found the perfect sweet and salty snack on the way home: Dark chocolate M&Ms and pretzels. Should have tried that the other night.)

 

I always wondered why I felt so suffocated in places like Lubbock and Midland, even though those are places known for their spaciousness. I think it is because there is no possibility (at least in my opinion) for me in these towns.

In Boston, or New York, or whatever, there is endless possibility. Maybe I am looking at it naively, but I’d prefer to think I’m looking at it hopefully. In spite of everyone constantly telling me journalism and publishing are in the toilet right now, I have to believe there is possibility out there for someone like me. There has to be, right?

So here is what I want: I want to pick a city and just go in January and see what happens. I’m young. It doesn’t have to be the perfect job. It just has to be somewhere I can breathe. That’s all I’m asking. Why the hell not, right? It doesn’t have to be New York. In fact, New York hasn’t been what I want for a long time.

 

But this has to be for real. I have to actually start working for something. It’s just a matter of choosing what I want, where I want, and going for it.

 

And I’ve got to stop using this thing as a forum for complaining. No longer. Now? It’s going to be updates. Positive ones. Because positivity is really about all I can handle right now.