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Jealousy is not attractive.

July 27, 2010 Leave a comment

One of my very good friends is in New York City right now, on a well-deserved vacation. It’s his first time—I’m pretty sure—to be visiting that grand place.

Although I’m excited for him, I can’t help but be jealous. Completely and totally and unattractively jealous.

In my head, I’m walking down the streets with him. Broadway, 5th Avenue, Madison Ave. We wander through Central Park, take in the grandeur of Times Square, watch the street performers in Washington Square Park.

In my head I’m striding along with a purpose again. I know where I’m going and feel as though I have somewhere to be.

I’m inhalings those smells from the street: Roasted cashews. Horses in Central Park. The smells that are vaguely identifiable but you really don’t want to know what they are.

I get lost in the intricacies of the city. I let its secrets fill me up and heal all those places inside of me that hurt.

And as I’m laying here writing this, in my bed in Lubbock, Texas, I feel that undeniable tug in my chest. The tug that only comes to me when I think about New York or Boston. It’s the part of me that finally feels alive again.                                                                        

And I have to wonder: What the hell am I doing?

 I thought adolescence was supposed to be difficult. Now I’m up against a whole new set of neuroses. Paying my rent, paying bill, car insurance, gas, groceries. When did I grow up? I don’t even have cable or Internet at my apartment for fear of not being able to afford it.

 Now I think I understand how people get in ruts so easily—and end up staying in a job they loathe. And that scares the living shit out of me.

Please, God, don’t let me get in a rut.

 And while you’re at it, please, PLEASE give me my words back. I miss them.

Categories: Uncategorized

This sucks.

July 20, 2010 1 comment

God, I miss feeling like I actually have something to write about.

Categories: Uncategorized