Home > Thoughts > Put On Your Brakes

Put On Your Brakes

September 27, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

I can’t sleep tonight. And goodness, I wish I could, because I’ve been sick alll week, and I have to get up early in the morning. Blah.

My mind is spinning in a million different directions right now. I don’t know what brought all these thoughts on. I think it was probably the conversation I had with my parents last weekend. I guess I just keep wondering if some of the decisions I made a couple years ago were the rights ones. I’m wondering if I should have stuck with certain things that I gave up on too quickly. I’m wondering if letting go of some people was a good idea; maybe I should have been more patient, more understanding. I’m wondering why I love my family more than anyone in the world and yet it is impossible for me to show that to them. I clam up and never show them how I really feel. It drives my dad nuts. But they are the ones I turn on the most quickly–I’m not proud of that. Maybe it’s because they know me the best, and I’m afraid of not living up to my parent’s expectations of me. I wonder why I find it so impossible to change myself, when in my heart I want to change so badly. I also wonder why, when my life has been great so far, I find it so much easier to focus on the bad things in my life. I’m making a conscious effort to change that, but it’s difficult. I wonder if what I want to do in the next couple years will work out. It terrifies me that they won’t, because if they don’t, I look like a fool because it’s all that I’ve talked about for the past year.

Life is confusing right now. I’m three semesters away from graduation, and that’s an intimidating thing. But even though everything else is so complicated, I feel as though I’m finally beginning to understand myself so much more. I know, I know, that sounds completely gay and corny. But it’s so true. For most of my life, I defined myself based on other people and their expectations of me. I liked what other people liked, and if I did like something other people didn’t, I’d try not to like it anymore. It’s kind of like that ONE song on the radio, the one that you hate, but it’s one of the most popular songs out there. Eventually, you’re gonna like it. But anyways, now, I’m trying to figure out what it is that makes me happy, that makes me content, things that I enjoy. Even if they are different. For instance, I love musicals. As silly as it is–no, wait, it’s NOT silly, because it’s something that I like. I’m not justifying things anymore. They make me happy, and that’s all there is to it. I love beautiful music; violins, piano, guitar. I love, love early mornings. And, unfortunately, I love late nights too. But mornings are so peaceful, and I’ve found myself getting up at 6 or 6:30 regularly, just to enjoy the quiet. I feel as though I’ve gotten answers as to who I am, who I’m growing into, and that makes me appreciate myself more.

I feel like this post is extremely self-centered, but these are just things that are on my mind. I guess I’m trying to show the people close to me (you know who you are) that I’m really and truly okay. I want to know myself before I love someone else again. I want to depend on myself before I ever have to really depend on another person. I feel like such a nerd putting this all down, but this is the only way I know how to get my thoughts out. For those of you that know me, you know I have trouble speaking the words I want…but when I put pen to paper (or, in this case, fingers to a keyboard) it just flows. So I hope you read this. And I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

 

“Give me a voice.

Flash.

Give me a face.”

–Chuck Palahniuk, “Invisible Monsters”

I thought it was appropriate.

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  1. sojo
    September 28, 2008 at 12:13 am

    i really like musicals too

    they’re my favorite part of london

  2. Katie
    September 28, 2008 at 8:18 am

    Well…I guess we better get ourselves to London sometime! 🙂

  3. September 28, 2008 at 10:33 am

    There is nothing silly about loving musicals!!!!

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