I wish I lived in a children’s book.

Today the only thing I wanted was a Starbucks chai tea latte. It’s my favorite drink in the world. My go-to drink of choice. A grande extra-hot chai. It’s delicious. Slightly spicy and sweet. A hint of cinnamon.

Good day or bad, this is always the drink I choose when I go get coffee. This drink has the ability to make a bad day seem good or a great day even better.

That’s all I wanted today. I needed the warmth. I needed to wrap my hands around something hot and breathe in the smell and relish its comfort. Because today is a bad day. Today is a terrible day.

Today I am Alexander and I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I need to move to Australia, where everything is upside down and I will have a super, wonderful, amazing, very good day.

But because I do not live in a children’s book and this is reality, I must face up to it. And I must confess that I made a mistake. A very big mistake. So here goes. Please don’t judge me too harshly, and please realize that I’ve been beating myself up over this for the last two days. So I don’t need anyone else to give me crap for this.

My job that I was supposed to start Monday turned out to be some sort of a hoax. Long story short, I found out today that it was not real. That no wedding dress designer ever existed and that in all actuality it probably was some teenage kid who put up the job post to play a trick on an unsuspecting job seeker.

You all know me. And you know how humiliated I am by this. I feel foolish. I feel stupid. I feel like I’ve confirmed people’s expectations of me; the idea that I am the small-town girl who got my ass kicked by the city in five weeks. That’s it already chewed me up and spit me back out on the ground, broken, disheveled and dirty.

That’s how I’ve felt for two days. Horrible. Disappointed in my own self. I haven’t been honest with my loved ones because I didn’t want to disappoint them yet. I’ve been waiting for confirmation that my job truly was a joke. So for the last two days I’ve been hiding in my room, stuffing my face with junk food (it truly was a pathetic sight), and completely freaking my roommates out. I’ve been avoiding phone calls and text messages from people who care about me because I didn’t want to admit the truth. I’m so disappointed in myself. The thought that others are going to be disappointed in me breaks me. It hurts. It hurts because just yesterday I received a letter in the mail from my grandfather, the man whose opinion matters almost more than anyone’s in this world to me (besides my own parent’s opinions), sent me a letter detailing exactly how proud of me he was. He told me he knew I could do it. He told me he always knew I’d succeed. And now, the next thing he’s going to hear about me is that I screwed up. And that absolutely breaks my heart.

So let’s get back to today, and finding out for sure it was all a lie. I was on the street and trying to get in touch with my best friend. At that point I luckily ran into my friend who took me to the apartment where we both work as personal care assistants for a woman who had a stroke. (That’s my part-time job. I only work there occasionally.) Anyway. He took me upstairs where both he and Betsy listened to me explain my story and cry. Just a little. I hate, hate, hate crying in front of people, so this was tough. Betsy said something to me that hit hard. I was helping her to the bathroom and she said, in her slow, sweet way, “Any time you feel like crying, Katie, you just think of me.” Oh, Betsy. I love her. Thank you.

She made me realize this isn’t the end of the world. Things could be worse. But I’m young and alive and have my health. I have my family and friends.

It took a few hours for that to sink in though. After I left her apartment I walked slowly over to the Prudential Center so I could get lunch. I am so lucky I didn’t get run over by a car, because I was not paying attention to anything on that walk. I just was thinking about what I was going to tell my parents.

I got lunch in the food court and had the odd sensation that I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was floating. I felt like I needed to walk carefully. I felt like if anyone touched me or jostled me or simply looked at me wrong I would cave in and succumb to the panic that was (and is) nipping at my heels. I felt like if I didn’t keep biting down hard on my lip and clenching my fists I would break apart in a thousand pieces. I felt scared and alone. I sat there in that food court for an hour. Staring. Thinking. Pondering.

Thinking. “It’s not over yet.” There’s no way it’s over yet. I’ve been here five weeks, and yes, this is a major setback. But it’s so not the end of the world.

So now I figure I have two choices. One of them is to crawl back in my bed and book the next flight back home. I can call this a good time, say I had a great extended vacation and head on back to Texas. Back to the desert, where I always felt suffocated.

Or I can look each and every one of you in the eye, say I’m sorry for not being honest the last couple days and admit I messed up. I was naive and foolish but it’s not going to be the end of this. I’m going to stand on my two feet and continue fighting for my dreams. Those are the most important things to me. This is all I’ve wanted for three years now, and I’m not going to let one (major) bad thing break me. I’m not. I’m just not. The old, immature me would have let this break her, but not me. I’ve got to develop that tough skin big city people are famous for.

So that’s what I’m doing. I sat in that food court and made my decision. I would get up, go get my chai tea latte (venti extra hot chai, as a special treat), and get on the T. I would come home, write this post, talk to my parents and then get it together. I would compose myself, realize that this is probably the worst that can happen for now. So what’s left to hurt me? Not too much.

Anything that happens from here on out can’t be too bad. I have to know that I can handle it. Because I can. I absolutely know I can and I will.

So that’s my story of my first big mistake in the big city. I’m embarrassed but at this point I believe that being honest probably is the best course of action. I’ll figure something out. I have people in Boston who will take care of me when I need them. God will take care of me; I know this deep in my gut. I know this because the verse “pray without ceasing” has been rolling around and around in my head for the last three days.

And although it would be nice to move to Australia, I have to realize, like Alexander, that the people down under have bad days too. It’s just a matter of not letting those bad days break us. I love you all.

They say hindsight…

…is 20/20.

 

Have you ever had something that you were so convinced you were right about?

 

But come to find out, you’re so far away from the truth that you can’t even see where you started?

 

I have. I think I just figured it out, and it brought tears to my eyes because it made me feel like an awful person. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to judge people anymore, or talk about anyone.

My papa said the one thing that attracted him to Mimi and made her the most beautiful person he’d ever met was the fact that she never said anything bad about anyone. I wish I could be like that, but I find myself gossiping all the time. Or venting. Or…anything.

 

I feel like I’ve ruined some things. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s not a fun feeling.

Endless Nights of Tears

March 12, 2008

Endless Nights of Tears

 I’m crying over you again tonight,

And I shouldn’t be.

 

I’m remembering the heartache,

And the endless nights of tears.

 

I feel the pain in my heart,

A physical ache in my breast.

 

The salt from my tears sting,

My invisible wounds.

 

It’s amazing that it still hurts,

Remembering the promises and goodbyes.

 

It’s amazing to me how things change,

In the blink of an eye, the space of a year.

 

I hate that one person in my life,

Can cause me this much anguish.

 

I want to forget you,

I don’t want to love you.