Pain, one-way plane tickets and peace.

I discovered the other day that my sister and I have a huge difference in the ways that we handle potentially painful situations.

When faced with something that may cause intense heartache she would choose to cut and run. To get out before it hurts too much. I, on the other hand, choose to stick it out, see it through the end–and cause myself even more pain. Rip up my insides a little more, if you will.

I’m not saying either one of us is wrong in the way we handle these situations. Although I think she may miss out on some truly amazing experiences from time to time, I think mine is the more unhealthy choice. I’m a masochist, I suppose. I enjoy pain. I see pain as something that means something good happened, and now, unfortunately, it’s over.

I don’t know why, but the thought of healing is enjoyable to me. Pleasant, even. Maybe I hope that after I get through the pain, the hurt, I’ll come out on the other end stronger. A better person. A more caring person.

Whatever. I think I just enjoy feeling sad sometimes. And that’s something I need to get over–quickly.

On a happier note, I finally, FINALLY bought my plane ticket to Boston. That beautiful one-way ticket for and my kitteh. I leave Sunday Jan. 10 at 8:10 a.m. Be praying for me between now and then, please. I’m terrified. I know, deep down, everything is right and will be OK, but I’m still nervous. But in my heart…there’s only peace. Which is why a dove means so much to me.

“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” –Unknown

This is what I strive for. This is what I aspire to.

Peace.Courage.Faith.Hope…Possibility.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I entered this holiday with a renewed sense of contentment. The second I arrived back in Midland it was as though every worry I had on the drive home flew out the window. (I always roll down my window once I spot the town on the horizon. Don’t ask me why; I just do.) I didn’t think about the three major projects I have due (Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday), or the paper I have due Wednesday or the two stories I have to write for the yearbook. Or the fact I graduate three weeks from this Saturday. Or that I still need to find a little thing called a job in that big city of Boston. Nothing was in my head except for the anticipation of seeing my family.

Yes, I go home often. Normally I go there to escape from Lubbock, because sometimes I just can’t stomach the thought of having to stay in that town during the weekends. I see my family quite often (except for my sister), but everything is different during the holidays. Everything seems more simple; all that matters is that they are my family, the ones who love me, support me, and care about me–and the only place I wanted to be was right here.

Yesterday I felt wrapped up in the arms of my cozy home. Since I got here I have not left the house once. I gave myself the chance to slow down, to breathe a little. And it gave me the chance to remember what I will be leaving behind in January.

I’m so grateful to have such an amazing set of parents. For the most part, their relationship is the one I hold up to as an example of what I hope to someday have. They balance each other perfectly, and I love that about them.

I’m thankful for my little sister. I love her carefree attitude toward life; her tendency to act (in a good way) like a little kid. She hasn’t lost that vibrancy, that innocence, that being an adult usually takes away. I admire that, and sometimes I am jealous.

I am thankful for my Grandmommy and Grandaddy. They are my mom’s parents, and they are one of the best sets of grandparents someone could ever hope for. Yes, my grandmother talks for hours on end, but every little thing she does is out of love. My grandfather is the strong, silent type, but I like to imagine him in his prime. I believe he used to be a force to be reckoned with, and I am glad to still have him with me.

I’m thankful for my precious Papa. I did not get to see him today (because he’s in New York; go him!), and I missed him. He is everything to me. I admire him because he stood by my grandmother for the 11 years Alzheimer’s ravaged her mind. He is steadfast and strong, kind and caring, honest and true. Today was my first taste of a holiday without him, and I didn’t like it. I would be lost without my Papa. And my sweet Mimi–I missed her today. Painfully. I know in my heart if she were still here the whole family would be hurting, but I wish I could have her here as I know she is now: restored, healthy and whole. Beautiful and elegant, as she used to be.

I’m thankful for peace, courage and faith. For hope. For possibilities–the endless kind. I’m thankful I had the courage to stand up for what I want for myself and my life. Is it bad if this is what I am most thankful for this year? It seems so self-centered; but I’ll be honest: it’s true. If I had not had the courage to talk to my parents and the courage to just do it and take off for Boston, I would be so unhappy right now. Knowing I’m leaving makes me more aware of what I’m leaving behind. This, in turn, makes it harder to leave. But that will make coming back home so much better. So much sweeter.

Right now everything that has been bothering me seems so small. And I know tomorrow or Saturday I will probably wake up and be sad again or be stressed, but at least for this day I was peaceful.