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Dream bigger, please. Make magic.

December 31, 2010 3 comments

2010. You little bastard.

2010 was the weirdest year of my life. 2010 was the hardest year of my life. It was the most stretching, the most difficult, the most heartbreaking.

And yet, it also was the most triumphant year of my life. In 2010 I feel as though I changed into a different — a person that I’m beginning to be ok with. I like the way I’ve changed — for the most part. There’s always things to work on.

There was no big romantic love this year. That was a big difference. I think it was because my heart is still a little torn up about Boston. I gave so much of myself to that endeavor — I spent months planning, dreaming, imagining. I spent months searching for an apartment, visualizing myself taking the T, walking through the snowy streets of that new city. There was no room for anyone or anything else in my heart. And right now, there’s still not. I think I’m not happy unless I’m planning my next big escape, and putting my heart and soul into that.

That’s ok, right?

Leaving Boston was heartbreaking. It broke me for a little while. But anyway.

So here’s my year-in-review. 2010: What a year.

January.

My dream.

Well, of course, I up and moved to Boston. Jan. 10, 2010. I remember not being as scared as I should have been. I didn’t realize the implications of my move, or how hard it could be. What I remember most is the satisfaction of saying I would do something and actually following through with it. It was a good feeling.

It was a great feeling. January was a good month. I explored, I walked, I observed new people. I found a wall by Mass Art that had the gem of a quote that’s the title of this post. I worked for sweet Betsy. It was a magical month. I loved Boston: The snow covering the Common, riding the T. The frozen Charles river. Eerything.

February.

Oh, February. We didn’t get along so well. I can honestly say it was the hardest month this year. But I survived it. And it was the month that sparked my writing nearly every day, which I love.

I went to New York City by myself for Valentine’s Day, and it was incredible.

Freedom.

In February I fell. I thought I had a job and then I didn’t. And that’s OK.

Life isn’t always daisies and roses and freakin’ rainbows. People suck sometimes. But that’s OK. We’re all human.

So February. I fell and it took me a while to get back on my feet. But I did, finally, and I was all the better for it.

March.

Spring. Life. Flowers. March was when I got my job in the flower shop. And truly: I loved it. The job made me happier than every job I’ve held so far. The people¬†I interacted with were (for the most part) pretty amazing. I worked harder than I’ve ever worked before, and for a while, I was happier than I’d ever been.

Love.

Love.

I met some truly incredible people: People I still remember today. The pansies man, and Steve. The guy who wanted the rose. The other guywho ays needed a beautiful bouquet for his girlfriend — and always made a point to talk to me and start a conversation, and find out why I moved out to Boston. He was kind, and I appreciated it. There was Cena, the man who worked in the shop next to the flower shop. He was kind — and always gave me an apple. ūüôā There was also the eccentric hair dresser: She was fabulous, and always stopped to tell me the display looked, “Fabulous, love, just fabulous.” She made my days happy.

I also met some amazing people outside of work. Being me though, I screwed it up, royally. And I still wish it had worked out differently.

April.

A hard month. My employers left for a trip to NYC for two weeks, and I was pretty much in charge of the shop in Back Bay. I worked for two weeks straight and it was hard. Little did I know, it was the beginning of the end. I worked double shifts from 7:30 a.m. to 9 or 10 at night. It. Was. Brutal. Apparently I have a hard time saying no when people ask me to work.

May.

I left Boston.

My Boston.

I left Boston in the hopes that I’d get the job I have now. My best friend got married, and her wedding was beautiful. But it was hard being home. I was resentful and missing Boston and frustrated with myself for giving up. It was a hard month. I remember writing one night that it already felt like someone else’s life. And it did.¬†It felt like I’d never left, and I hated that.

But it was also nice getting reacquainted with my friends, my family, and more importantly: Texas. I realized while in Boston I dearly love this state: The people, the atmosphere, the rolling, flat landscape. It’s beautiful in its own way, and I can appreciate it now. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stay here forever. Hell no. There’s too much of that great, big, beautiful, amazing and ever-changing world to see. I can’t wait.

June.

My birthday month. The month I started my first job at a newspaper. I made some stupid mistakes, I sat by the pool drinking beers with my best friend and I settled into my new job.

I tried to end my blog, but that didn’t last. Even though I don’t write as much as I used to, this blog is important to me. I like knowing it’s here; that I can use it as an outlet for my joys, my struggles, my angst and thoughts.

A trip to Barnes and Noble one morning sparked a new love: Travel. Exploring the world. It was at that point I started thinking about some new opportunities within the next few years.

July.

Hmm. July. I stopped writing. It was like my words dried up for a little while. I was still learning to settle down in Lubbock. And learning about the job. But once I got into a rhythm, it wasn’t so bad. But in the back of my head,¬† Iwas still dreaming. Always dreaming. I’m never not dreaming.

August.

I don’t even know. I was reading a lot and working a lot and missing Boston. To be honest, it all blends together. It was an unremarkable month, much like most of my months and days lately.

September.

Oh, this was a good month. My good friend from Germany came to visit, and it was so good to see him and catch up after nearly six years of not seeing each other. It was definitely interesting and a little bit unexpected. Hmmm…I think that’s all I’ll say on here.

This month I also realized how to accept where I am.¬†I made a conscious effort to stop regretting my choices, and learn to be where I am. Does that make sense? I’m trying, really I am.

I also came to the realization that no matter where I am in my life, there’s always going to be things back home I’ll miss. So, to counteract that, I’ve gotta be somewhere awesome so it’s not so bad.

Oh, and I also went skydiving. It was amazing. incredible. Liberating. I LOVED IT.

Liberation.

October.

October, October…hmm. October I realized I had to start being happy. I had to stop reliving my time in Boston, because it wasn’t coming back. And that was ok. I have other things to look forward to. Bigger things. Better things.

October was hard. I was working six days a week and it. was. rough. I felt like I never left work, but I did save an ass-load of money. That’s nice.

November.

November I missed my first holiday with my family: Thanksgiving. It was hard, then again, what’s not hard these days?

And December.

The last month of the year. Christmas. The holidays. Cheer and thanksgiving and peace.

I worked Christmas too. And now I’m here, on the same couch I was on in 2009, ringing in the new year the same way. And yet, I’m different, so that’s OK. I don’t mind it.

This year is over. As I’m writing this, there are 2 hours and¬†5 minutes left in the year.

I’m ready, 2011. I thought I was ready for 2010, but as it turns out, I think 2011 will be my year.

I still have hope. I still have dreams. I’m going to make magic.

2011 will be amazing. I’m determined to make it so, and you all know I’m a girl with some serious determination.

So here are my resolutions:

I’m going to be brave. I’m going to take on the world.

 I want to stay in shape: Running has been working wonders for me.

I want to find peace. I want to remember that this is my one chance in life, and if I want to do something, I’m going to do it.

But more importantly, I want to continue dreaming. The thing I believe in most is a person’s capacityto dream. Without that, we’re a little lost.

I dream big dreams.

It’s what got me to Boston. It’s what has (and is) getting me through living in Lubbock again.

Dreams are going to carry me around the world, and I can’t wait to see where I land first.

2011 will be my year of adventure, my year of excitement: My year of unexpectedness. It will be. I can’t handle it not being otherwise.

So get ready, people: 2011 is upon us.

Make some magic.

Categories: Thoughts Tags: , , , , , , ,

This is my dream for the day.

September 20, 2010 1 comment

I never set out to be a copy editor.

And yet, here I am.

I never intended to go to Texas Tech.

And yet, there I went.

I never intended to be purposefully single for any stretch of time.

And yet, here I am. (Happy about that, too.)

I never intended to move to Boston.

And yet, I did.

I never intended (or fathomed) that I’d be back in Lubbock after four months of living on the East Coast.

And yet, look at me now. Fully ensconced back into my old life, and stuck with a few more bills than I was used to last fall.

To be honest, I absolutely cannot believe it’s already September 2010. Like, what? Last September I was working two jobs, loving school and my friends and frantically making plans. I spent hours on the Internet perusing Craigslist and shooting off e-mails to unknown persons in Boston, begging for a spot in their apartment.

I mentioned in my last post that I had a bit of a breakdown last Thursday. It wasn’t only about missing all the events of the weekend.

Rather, it also stemmed from the realization of how very little I accomplished while in the East.

Sure, I came back a little more confident and a little more eager to say what I think or what I feel.

But I also came back with a bad attitude: an expectation that people should see what I saw in myself. Things I might have been imagining.

This really has nothing to do with what I’m trying to write about.

So anyway.

I had another thought the other night when I was on my way home from work. I also wrote recently I feel as though I’m not learning anything in Lubbock.

What if I’m wrong about that?

What if what I’m supposed to learn is how to deal with my mistakes? Think about it. This is probably one of the first times in my life where mommy and daddy haven’t bailed me out. Not that there was anything they could do; they thought I w anted this.

what I’m saying is this: This was the first time I couldn’t say, “You know what? I’ve changed my mind. This isn’t for me. Thanks, y’all are great, but I think I’ll head up to Boston now. Catch ya later!”

No. This time I made a commitment to a job, and to be honest, I don’t have the funds.

This is me learning to accept my mistakes and start learning. No, I don’t want to be here. But I made the choice to be here, and I have to deal with it for the time being.

It’s a frighteningly fine line, though.

I want out of here so badly I can taste it. It colors my every day: My moods, my thoughts, my attitude.

You see, I’m scared. Because I’ve been back and I’m happy here. My job is great, my co-workers are fun and amazing, and my friends? Well, they’re my lifelines.

I know, I just know, that if I let go and let myself be completely at peace here, I’ll never get out.

My biggest fear is waking up 10 or five or even three years from now and still stagnating in this own. It’s a real possibility, especially when I consider just how quickly the last year has gone back. How easy will it be for the next two years to fly by? I’m scared I’ll blink and open my eyes and it’ll be 2015. I can’t handle that type of disappointment.

Being this disappointed in myself right now is difficult enough.

So the moral of this post is learning. I’m learning. I’m learning what it is to grow up and accept responsibility for my choices.

But I’m also learning to figure out what I need for myself.

 And what I need for myself right now is some adventure. I need excitement and inspiration and I need to be challenged.

Boston was that challenge, and I gave up way too quickly. I gave up when the going got rough. The tough did not get going in my case. (hehe)

So now, as I conclude this post, I’m sitting outside on the patio of Daybreak coffee. My views consist of a parking lot full of cars and a busy street directly in front of me. It’s not scenic, to say the least. I’m wearing a fabulous navy blue jersey dress, and I’m soaking up the alternating sun and clouds.

And because I wrote on my facebook status that today is a great day for dreaming, I’m going to for a minute. Right now I see myself in an alternate reality. Just go with it, OK?

I’m in the same dress and I have my computer in front of me. I”m writing my daily update for blog. Instead of Pandora playing from my speakers, I’m listening to the tones of the speakers around me. It’s a foreign language, but it’s lyrical in itself. I love listening and imagining what they’re saying; I love hearing the rise and fall in their tones and inflections.

Instead of coffee, I’m sipping on an ice cold beer: A local brew, if you will.

Instead of 82nd Street and the roar of cars passing I see a crowded street full of stalls selling street food. People meander up and down the streets, pushing in between carts to get the best cuts of meat. Beyond that I see a glimpse of torquoise, the ocean in an exotic locale.

The smells in the place are intoxicating: Foreign spices mixed with salty ocean air.

And me? I’m tucked up in¬†a small corner on a patio of a small cafe, loving life.¬†Loving my new adventure.

That is my small little dream for the day. Take it for what it is: Lame or immature. Fathomable or attainable. I don’t even know.

All I know is I can see it. And I want it.

More hopeless ramblings.

February 17, 2010 Leave a comment

Since I moved to Boston, I’ve started walking a lot. Mostly that is because I have no car up here. But Boston definitely is a walking city.

I’ve found that I love to walk. In Boston I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere when I do walk. In Texas everything is so spread out so it’d be impossible to get anywhere.

Anyway. That’s beside the point. The point is, I walk a lot. I walk to the store. I walk to the T stop. I walk to the bars. I walk everywhere.

And I love it. Last night I walked to Central Square in Cambridge. From my apartment, that’s a little more than three miles. It was a brilliant walk. The air was crisp and cool, and it stung my face refreshingly. The walk took me over the Harvard Bridge. I love walking over that bridge. From there you get one of the most beautiful views of the city.

Last night I needed to get away from my room, from my apartment. I needed to get that distance from Boston so I could remind myself of what I’m aiming for: to make it. That’s all I want. I just want to consider myself a success. I want to be something and do something spectacular. I want to do something that matters. I want to make the most of everything.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel like a failure. When I see my friends doing actual things with their lives I wonder what I’m doing.I see them getting married and planning the rest of their lives¬†and getting¬†important jobs and¬†I wonder if moving up here was a silly decision. I wonder if I ever will find that job in the city that leads me to being an editor. I wonder if being an editor is what I’m supposed to do. It’s so easy to start second guessing myself, and I hate that.

That view of Boston was exactly what I needed. It shocked me into appreciating the city again. The lights and the dramatic horizon reminded me how much I love living here and how badly I want to make it. It reminded me how much I want to do something big with my life.

The view also reminded me how different this place is from home. Texas.

I missed Texas today. I missed the dry air. The way that mornings are freezing cold and the afternoons uncomfortably warm. I missed the wide open plains of West Texas, with it’s cow farms and corn fields. I miss the wind and the dust.(Ok,¬†maybe¬†not the dust so much.)¬†I missed Texas Tech and my best friends. The safety and security of school would be wonderful right now.¬†I miss the brown tint in the sky. I miss the things I hated. I miss them because they are so familiar to me.

I know this is a passing feeling, but it is a difficult feeling.

I ramble way,way too much. Forgive me.

Realization. Appreciation. Happy-ation.

November 18, 2009 1 comment

So this past weekend I went to Midland for my mom’s birthday. She did not know I was coming, or that she would be thrown a huge surprise party Friday night.

It was phenomenal. Although my sister could not be there (7 hours is a long drive), Mom was thrilled I was able to make it. The look on her face when she saw me at the party (and the subsequent tears) was priceless. Absolutely priceless. It meant so much to me to make it in town for the party, and I know it meant so much to her.

The party was a blast. My mom’s friends are great, and this was the first time most of them had heard I’m moving to Boston in January. I got a lot of praise for it, but one woman’s reaction stood out to me. She heard about it, and then looked straight at me and said: “I’m curious to see how long you make it up there.” Uh, thanks. Appreciate that. I’ll show you, I guess.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to talk about my mom. For a long time, I saw her as a sweet, timid woman. I love her to death, but sometimes I just worried about her, I guess. My opinion of her has changed after this weekend home. I was sitting on the couch listening to everyone talk, and my mom was telling a story. I was half-listening, half-observing everyone at the party, and I realized, my mom had EVERYONE in the room laughing hysterically. She was telling a story and had every single person engaged and enjoying themselves. It made me smile to see my “timid” mother carrying the conversation this way. (The lemon-drop martinis may have helped a little. Hello, vodka. Geez.) Anyway,¬†when I realized this, the woman to my left leaned over and says: “You know, your mother is a very forceful woman.”

I kind of started for a second, and then I thought, “you know what? She’s totally right.” And she was. My mom is amazing. She knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it, regardless of what she has to do to get it. She’s not afraid to call and ask questions of people in power. She single-handedly revamped the Midland Reporter-Telegram’s food section. She substitute teaches those snotty kids in the public school system. She put up with me in junior high. (Haha, guys. Joke.)

I’ve always been told that when I’m older I would appreciate my mom, and I feel like I am getting closer to that point. In the last few months she and I have become very close. I value her input and I want her advice. I never appreciated that before, but now that I’ve realized my mom is stronger than I ever believed, there’s no one I would rather be like. I hope that I can be like that when I get to Boston. I hope that I won’t be afraid to ask questions and figure out what I need and how to get it. I hope I won’t be so intimidated as I am now. I need my mother’s strength.

Now for the Boston update. ūüôā I sent in my deposit and last month’s rent check today. So the space in the apartment is officially mine. (!!!!!) Can you all just take a moment and appreciate this, please? It never fails to amaze me. I know whoever (if anyone) reads this probably gets sick of me waxing poetic (heh heh) about Boston and moving, but seriously? This is a beautiful time for me. I want to document every single thing I can. (Remember? Alzheimer’s runs in my fam. It’s half the reason I keep this thing. To remember.)

Anyway, back to the beauty of this whole thing. I have been waiting to move for the last three years. That may not seem like too long to some people, but seeing as I’ve been so eager to get out of school for that long, it’s a lifetime. I do regret wishing away so much of college, however. What’s especially ironic is that now that I’m one month away from graduating college, I’m not entirely ready to leave. I’ve found my bubble, my place, my group–and I’m scared to leave.

But I’m more scared not to. And that’s why I’m doing this. That’s why I have to do this. Don’t get me wrong; I’m more excited than you could imagine. But the fear (read: sheer, blinding terror.) is always there. In my chest, in a knot.

I do have one question though, just to send out into the universe. Because, in the words of You’ve Got Mail, I just want to send this question out into the cosmic void, and maybe someone out there will answer for me.

Why does something amazing have to come along when I’m leaving? It blows.

Back to Boston. I’m gonna live in Beantown. I will be packing up my books, clothes, and my cat and taking off for the big city. I have to say, I am so excited that I found a place to live where they want a pet. Truth be told, I could not imagine leaving and having to get rid of little Copper. He’s a little shithead at times, but he’s that one living thing that will be physically with me in all of this. Haha. Dramatic me.

I’m still trying to figure out a departure date. Sometime in January, obviously.

WHAT if I can’t find a job? That’s another one of those cosmic¬†questions for the void.

Another big thing happened today: I ordered graduation announcements. I really cannot believe that I will be graduating from COLLEGE in a month. It’s amazing. And scary, exciting, wonderful, terrifying, etc. It’s complicated.

School and work are crazy at the moment. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m exhausted. And yet, it’s 2 a.m. and I’m awake and writing this when I have to be up at 7. There’s a great decision there. Go me.

Thanksgiving is next week, and I’m a little worried about it. It’s the first holiday since my Mimi passed away, and I feel like it will be weird. Papa is going to New York City, which he totally deserves, and my cousins are not coming. It all makes sense, but it will be odd not having the entire family in Midland.

I miss Mimi so much still. I think of her every day, and hope that if she can see me, she’s proud. That’s a random thought, there. Sorry.

I just want to say. I really like this blog. I like writing it; I like talking about my life. I feel like my written words give more insight into me and my head than my spoken words could ever hope to. I’m not very good at talking sometimes. It’s from reading all those damn books. They got me lost in my head; in my thoughts. Ugh, random/weird thought. Don’t judge. That’s all I ask.

“I wish I could tell you¬†/ Everything I feel right now¬†/ But if I did it might / Change how you see me / And who would want that?”

“Sometimes when I’m sad / I think of you and me / and how you used to hold me / And always take care of me / So I look to the sky / And I pray to God / You can see me now”

Runaway…just…runaway.

November 8, 2009 1 comment

This pretty much is how I’ve been feeling lately:

 

It’s been a long week
I’ve got a slow leak in my left front tire
I’m sick of where I work
My boss is such a jerk, don’t care if I get fired

My bag’s about to break
No money in the bank and she don’t call me anymore
I’m down to my last drink
It’s time to sell my things

And pack my bag and never look back
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks ohh
And make my getaway
Put the pedal to the medal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight
At the break of day… I’ll be a runaway (be a runaway, be a runaway)

A hundred miles in I got a stupid grin on my scruffly face
With every cigarette I’m burnin’ my regret Don’t wanna leave a trace
And from the rearview I’ve got a clear view of who I used to be
A little bit faster now don’t wanna turn around

I’m gonna pack my bags and never look back
Run a parallel with the railroad tracks ohh And make my getaway
I’ll put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight(ohh)
At the break of day I’ll be a runaway (be a runaway, be a runaway) I’ll be a runaway, I’ll be a runaway be a runaway)

It’s crazy I know to count on this road to give me what I need
but with every state line
somehow I find another part of me yeah yeah

(instrumental)

I’m gonna pack my bags and never look back
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks ohh
And make my getaway
I’ll put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight ohh
And at the break of day I’ll be a runaway
(be a runaway I’ll be a runaway) yeah I’ll be a runaway (I’ll be a runaway) I’ll be a runaway…

 

Yep. Runaway.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: , ,

Hoping…and falling.

September 28, 2009 1 comment

Tonight is one of those nights where Boston, and everything past graduation, feels unattainable. I feel like the next four months will never be over. I feel like I’ll never get out of Lubbock. I feel like I’ll never it make it up there….Boston.

My parents are dubious with my declaration that I want to move to Boston. They think I’m just making this decision on a whim and a fancy. Maybe it was a spur of the moment decision, but I’m going to rationalize it. First, I have wanted to move to a big city for the last three years. Easily. And for a long time, it was New York. But…then I went to Boston. Is it so bad to switch cities? I don’t think so. Especially when Boston offers the same opportunities to me that New York has. Maybe, just maybe, they’re even a little more attainable. I love Boston. I love it more than New York.

I love that it’s not an ostentatious city. It’s not so “in your face,” like New York. It’s a little more subtle. I love the history that is still woven in with the modern buildings and skyscrapers.

 

I’m scared though. It absolutely terrifies me when I think of getting on a plane in Midland and ending up in Boston all by myself. I know it’s what I want, and I know if I let my fears hold me back, I’ll never go. It’s just a matter of sucking it up, finding an apartment and getting a job. That’s my plan for fall break. Instead of going to College Station to see all my friends, I’ll be sticking around and locking myself in my apartment to do some serious job hunting and resume perfecting. Sounds awesome. (Too bad this is a blog and you couldn’t catch the sarcasm. But it was there. Oh, was it there.)

 

So, I mentioned this in the last post, but I was recently hired as the copy editor at the LV. Today was my first official day, and I loved it! It’s nice to have a place. I’ve been at Tech for two years now, and I finally feel as though I’m making it as a college student. Life is definitely going to be busier this semester, but it’s a good busy. I’ve got¬† two jobs and am a full-time student, but I’m loving every minute of it. (OK, maybe I could do with a little less school, but what are you going to do, right?) Now I just have very little free time. My nights for the week are already filled up, and that’s crazy. I used to have tons of free time. I kind of like being this busy, but it is only Monday night and I’m exhausted. That’s not so good.

 

I think that’s all I can think of for the moment. I could whine about loneliness and crap such as that…but I’m not going to. Not right now.

Ouch.

September 27, 2009 Leave a comment

It’s a terrible thing to be in love with someone I can’t have. And I promise…it’s no one who reads this. But it’s there. I go to bed thinking about him. And think of him during the day. Oh well. It will go away eventually.

 

Rain. I like it.

 

I’m the new copyeditor of the La Ventana, Texas Tech’s yearbook. So that makes me editor-in-chief of the Mass Communicator, and copy editor of LV. If that doesn’t boost my resume, I don’t know what will.

Categories: Thoughts Tags: , , ,