Home > Uncategorized > This is my dream for the day.

This is my dream for the day.

September 20, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

I never set out to be a copy editor.

And yet, here I am.

I never intended to go to Texas Tech.

And yet, there I went.

I never intended to be purposefully single for any stretch of time.

And yet, here I am. (Happy about that, too.)

I never intended to move to Boston.

And yet, I did.

I never intended (or fathomed) that I’d be back in Lubbock after four months of living on the East Coast.

And yet, look at me now. Fully ensconced back into my old life, and stuck with a few more bills than I was used to last fall.

To be honest, I absolutely cannot believe it’s already September 2010. Like, what? Last September I was working two jobs, loving school and my friends and frantically making plans. I spent hours on the Internet perusing Craigslist and shooting off e-mails to unknown persons in Boston, begging for a spot in their apartment.

I mentioned in my last post that I had a bit of a breakdown last Thursday. It wasn’t only about missing all the events of the weekend.

Rather, it also stemmed from the realization of how very little I accomplished while in the East.

Sure, I came back a little more confident and a little more eager to say what I think or what I feel.

But I also came back with a bad attitude: an expectation that people should see what I saw in myself. Things I might have been imagining.

This really has nothing to do with what I’m trying to write about.

So anyway.

I had another thought the other night when I was on my way home from work. I also wrote recently I feel as though I’m not learning anything in Lubbock.

What if I’m wrong about that?

What if what I’m supposed to learn is how to deal with my mistakes? Think about it. This is probably one of the first times in my life where mommy and daddy haven’t bailed me out. Not that there was anything they could do; they thought I w anted this.

what I’m saying is this: This was the first time I couldn’t say, “You know what? I’ve changed my mind. This isn’t for me. Thanks, y’all are great, but I think I’ll head up to Boston now. Catch ya later!”

No. This time I made a commitment to a job, and to be honest, I don’t have the funds.

This is me learning to accept my mistakes and start learning. No, I don’t want to be here. But I made the choice to be here, and I have to deal with it for the time being.

It’s a frighteningly fine line, though.

I want out of here so badly I can taste it. It colors my every day: My moods, my thoughts, my attitude.

You see, I’m scared. Because I’ve been back and I’m happy here. My job is great, my co-workers are fun and amazing, and my friends? Well, they’re my lifelines.

I know, I just know, that if I let go and let myself be completely at peace here, I’ll never get out.

My biggest fear is waking up 10 or five or even three years from now and still stagnating in this own. It’s a real possibility, especially when I consider just how quickly the last year has gone back. How easy will it be for the next two years to fly by? I’m scared I’ll blink and open my eyes and it’ll be 2015. I can’t handle that type of disappointment.

Being this disappointed in myself right now is difficult enough.

So the moral of this post is learning. I’m learning. I’m learning what it is to grow up and accept responsibility for my choices.

But I’m also learning to figure out what I need for myself.

 And what I need for myself right now is some adventure. I need excitement and inspiration and I need to be challenged.

Boston was that challenge, and I gave up way too quickly. I gave up when the going got rough. The tough did not get going in my case. (hehe)

So now, as I conclude this post, I’m sitting outside on the patio of Daybreak coffee. My views consist of a parking lot full of cars and a busy street directly in front of me. It’s not scenic, to say the least. I’m wearing a fabulous navy blue jersey dress, and I’m soaking up the alternating sun and clouds.

And because I wrote on my facebook status that today is a great day for dreaming, I’m going to for a minute. Right now I see myself in an alternate reality. Just go with it, OK?

I’m in the same dress and I have my computer in front of me. I”m writing my daily update for blog. Instead of Pandora playing from my speakers, I’m listening to the tones of the speakers around me. It’s a foreign language, but it’s lyrical in itself. I love listening and imagining what they’re saying; I love hearing the rise and fall in their tones and inflections.

Instead of coffee, I’m sipping on an ice cold beer: A local brew, if you will.

Instead of 82nd Street and the roar of cars passing I see a crowded street full of stalls selling street food. People meander up and down the streets, pushing in between carts to get the best cuts of meat. Beyond that I see a glimpse of torquoise, the ocean in an exotic locale.

The smells in the place are intoxicating: Foreign spices mixed with salty ocean air.

And me? I’m tucked up in a small corner on a patio of a small cafe, loving life. Loving my new adventure.

That is my small little dream for the day. Take it for what it is: Lame or immature. Fathomable or attainable. I don’t even know.

All I know is I can see it. And I want it.

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  1. Jessica
    September 20, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    I always enjoy reading your blog. It’s nice to see your personal growth through your writing. I really enjoyed this post.

    I am sorry you miss Boston, but I am sure that you will find your place again. Maybe not there, but some where great. I think you got out of Boston what you were meant to at the time. With dreams and determination like yours, I just know your adventure isn’t over yet. Continue to keep your head up Katie!

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