Home > Uncategorized > Just one wish today.

Just one wish today.

Today I woke up with one prayer on my heart: “Lord, please give me the strength to get through today. Just today.”

That’s all I could ask for.

I’ve been having a hard time lately. Working an average of 60 hours a week and not having a chance to actually go out and meet people is beginning to take its toll on me.

This prayer stayed on my heart as I slugged through my morning routine. It pounded through my head as I showered, dried my hair, dressed and put on the little bit of make-up my sleep-deprived eyes could handle.

I repeated it as I sat on the bus on the way to Copley at 7:30 a.m. with the rest of the morning drones. The drones who were probably cursing their lives as much as I was mine at that moment.

I said it to myself after getting humiliated by a stupid rich b**** who literally curled her lip at me when she saw the dirt until my nails and the callouses on my fingertips.

I said it again after that same woman made me blow up three helium balloons for her until she was satisfied with one, then sat through the next five minutes when she came back three times to order me to refill it because it was “deflating.” I said it once more for good measure when she came back for a FOURTH time and demanded a refund because I had done a subpar job of filling her damn balloon, and “it just wasn’t working for her.”

And then I tied that balloon to the stool in the store to prove to myself that I was, in fact, NOT an incompetent idiot who lacked the ability to fill up a stupid, worthless “Happy Birthday” balloon.

Stupid, stupid, stupid balloon. For the record, I filled it just fine. It didn’t deflate. That journalism degree is being put to good use, let me just tell you.

That brings me to my next point: my degree.

I understand that the economy sucks right now. I understand that this means it’s not guaranteed that I will immediately get a job upon graduating, because obviously, that didn’t happen. I get that sometimes you have to work jobs you don’t expect in order to pay the bills.

But I do not appreciate being made to feel like I am stupid by my employers or the people who come in to the shop because I’m still learning about flowers.

I have a degree, Mr. and Mrs. Employer. Yes, my degree is journalism, and I know that this means you think that I bring absolutely nothing to the table. But here’s what I bring.

I listen to you when you speak, even if secretly I think you’re just blowing out steam. I’ll still listen, and I will make every effort to understand.

If I don’t understand I will ask intelligent, pertinent questions.

I can handle tough customers. I may sigh and complain about them after they leave but you’ll never see me let go of my emotions in front of them. Never.

I am observant. I notice it when people are acting funny and am not afraid to point it out to you.

I’m resourceful. I’m always ready for the unexpected and if things do not go as planned I will do my best to right the wrong or go with whatever is happening.

So, please, Mr. and Mrs. Employer, although I am not perfect at this job, please keep in mind I’m trying. I pride myself on being a hard worker and trust me, I don’t want to let you down.  Keep in mind I’ve worked no less than 50 hours a week for you since the day that I started more than a month ago. Realize that I’m getting tired. Please realize that I have another job outside of this one. And that when I open the shop before 8 a.m. each morning, I get extremely pissed off if I am not allowed a break until 4 p.m. Legally, that’s unacceptable.

Please, Mr. and Mrs. Employer, understand that I get frustrated when I am told different things by each of you. And understand that I hate following one set of directions and then completely changing everything to comply with a separate set of instructions.

Figure out what you want. Not only will you make my life easier, but it’ll make your life easier as well. I’ll follow your directions. I’m a stickler for directions. That’s why I get so frustrated.

I don’t like feeling like I’m doing a less than acceptable job. And that’s the only way I’ve felt for the last week and a half. I can’t stand it when bosses nit-pick and criticize every single, itty-bitty, teeny-tiny thing. Especially in front of customers. Don’t make me look bad just because you are the boss.

Employees do better with encouragement. That’s all I’m saying.

So that was the prayer that was on my heart.

To be honest, Boston is wearing me out. It’s exhausting. Between all the work and the walking and the people and the writing it’s a shock to my poor little Texas system. I’m still living in a “slow” state of mind and I’m trying to get used to this fast-paced world I’ve thrust myself in.

I realize that my last few posts, including this one, have been extremely discouraging and I am sorry for that. I know it makes me sound sad. I know it makes me sound ungrateful for this job and this beautiful life I’m living. I just need a small break. A trip home would be the perfect breath of fresh air for my heart.

I’m craving Texas. I want a bear hug from my Papa and I want Sunday dinner with my family. I want a wine night with Chris and I want to go shopping with Wendy. I want to fight with my sister over the space in our bathroom back home. I want to see my mom and dad.

As I write this I’m terrified that admitting these things is admitting defeat.

Does feeling this way mean that on some level I’ve failed completely on this move?

I don’t want to go back to Texas for good. I just want a visit. I’m entranced with Boston. It makes me smile. Most of the time. Especially when it looks like this. 🙂

George Washington in the Public Garden

Or this:

Boston skyline from a water taxi

I just need a break. I’ve never been homesick like this before. I’ve never craved so much familiarity.  

I realize that my last few posts, including this one, have been extremely discouraging and I am sorry for that.

I know it makes me sound sad. I know it makes me sound ungrateful for this job and this beautiful life I’m living.

I just need a small break. A trip home would be the perfect breath of fresh air for my heart.

I’m craving Texas. I want a bear hug from my Papa and I want Sunday dinner with my family. I want a wine night with Chris and I want to go shopping with Wendy. I want to fight with my sister over the space in our bathroom back home. I want to see my mom and dad.

As I write this I’m terrified that admitting these things is admitting defeat.

Does feeling this way mean that on some level I’ve failed completely on this move? I’d like to believe that I’m allowed this time. Can this still be my transition period, a time for me to adjust to this place that is so unbelievably, radically different from what I grew up in?

I don’t want to go back to Texas for good. I just want a visit. I’m entranced with Boston. It makes me smile. Most of the time.

I just need a break. I’ve never been homesick like this before. I’ve never craved so much familiarity. 

So, my dears, this is what my heavy heart has to say to you today. 

I’m sorry it’s such a downer. Hopefully my next post will be more upbeat.

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  1. Mike
    April 15, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Hang in there Katie. Life and jobs are full of idiots. They are everywhere. Just keep smiling and writing. We envy you being there. I think I realized what pulled you there now too. It wasn’t that we recommended you go visit there over Philly last summer. It is deeper than that. You have roots there. Deep roots. I mean in doing the geneology on your family line thru the Bechtels and on back, your ancestors were some of the very first to come to the New World and settle preset day Mass. Your forefathers literally started towns there like Rehoboth, Salem, Boston, etc. So there is a deeper connection that brought you there. I will email you some names, dates and stories about some of them. So know that your are in a place that your family started back in the early 1600’s.

    Hang in there and get some rest!

  2. April 16, 2010 at 11:14 am

    It’s all good Katie… you can make it through anything because you have great friends and an awesome heart. BTW I’m off the last week of July… I’ll let you know the dates that I’ll be in Boston.

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