Home > Uncategorized > Just gotta have faith.

Just gotta have faith.

Yesterday I let a horrible thought creep into my head.

“I want to go home.”

That was it. It was just a whisper, just the slightest hint of doubt, but it hit me hard and took me down for the remainder of the day. Allowing myself to think that opened the floodgates to all sorts of negative thoughts. “What if I made the wrong decision?” “What if I can’t handle the city like I thought?” “What if I can’t get a job?” “Should I go back to Texas?”

And:

“What if I fail?”

That’s the biggest, most terrifying question I think. I know failure’s a part of life and I know failing is how we are supposed to learn (blah, blah, blah). But I feel like if I give in and go home I would be failing on a whole different level. Everyone knows what I’m doing and it makes for a lot of pressure.

Right now the thought of going back home is comforting and safe. Everything is still so unfamiliar here. I miss everyone so much: my friends, my family and just my safe zone. What I hate about Boston right now is that I don’t have that special group of friends to call any time of day like I did back home. I mean, I know I can still call them, but since I’ve been here I feel like the distance is palpable. I hate it.

And I hate this about myself. I hate that when things get rough I immediately want to run back home. It’s exactly what my parents predicted and I’m disgusted that I’m letting myself think these thoughts.

I guess yesterday I let the fear and worry about not having a job yet get to me. I was naive to think that I, a small-town girl, would get to the big city, kick some ass, and immediately have the perfect job. Definitely naive.

So yesterday, after moping around and searching for a job ALL day, I decided it was time to get off my butt, out of my (warm) bed and go for a run in the (cold) air. So I ran and ran. Well I ran until I got to the massive hills and then I walked. Heh. Eventually I got to a point near this church that looked out down over the city and it stopped me short. I got there right as the sun was beginning to set, and I could see all the buildings stretching out in front of me. The sun reflected off all the windows and I felt like if I reached out my fingers I’d be able to touch the Pru. It was unbelievable. I wish my descriptions would do it justice, and I really wish I’d had my camera with me.

Anyway, that sight put my mindset back where it needed to be. Seeing part of Boston’s skyline reminded me how much I love this city, and it gave me the sense that if I just keep trying and keep applying, something, somewhere, will come through for me. It reminded me of the endless possibilities a city has.

Of course, I went home and immediately bought and downloaded George Michael’s song, “Faith,” and listened to it 20 times consecutively. Sometimes it’s just a matter of making sure the message sticks in your head. Yes, I realize that’s not what the song’s talking about, but the line “Oh, I gotta have faith,” definitely is applicable to me right now.

I’ve got to keep reminding myself that it’s supposed to be hard. It’s supposed to be scary. Until I’ve been here for a long time I can’t expect anything to be familiar. I need to learn to enjoy the unfamiliar and respect the unexpected. I have to keep in mind that anything can (and will) happen if I keep my wits about me. I have to stay open to new experiences and be willing to take chances. I need to keep meeting people and stay active. I can’t let myself fall into staying home and staying in bed all the time. That’s just a bad pattern.

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Categories: Uncategorized Tags: , , ,
  1. January 29, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Katie, I just loved your blog post. Your descriptive writing just put me right there look over the city right there next to you. I can kind of relate to the whole scaryness of not having a job, a full-time job, because I want one so badly. But I’ve also been reminded that faith is all you need, and girl by the looks of this blog post you got it. God’s got something in store for you and I can’t wait to see what it is. Hang in there, dont let Satan get you down…he’s just not worth it.

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