Home > Uncategorized > Wishing it all away.

Wishing it all away.

I can’t sleep. I really should get to bed because I have to be awake in five and a half hours. Urgh.

It’s Thanksgiving break. I cannot believe this semester is over…I mean, it’s not yet. But after Thanksgiving the time is going to race by. And that makes me sad.

I wished college away. Ever since I started at Texas A&M back in 2006 I just wanted to be finished and out in the real world. I felt so restless and unhappy and thought I would never see the end of school.

But now? Now I’m at the end. Not only does that scare the pants off of me, it makes me regret wishing everything away. What did I miss out on? What kind of friends did I miss out on making because I made the choice to sit in my room on a Friday night instead of going out?

I feel I have remedied that this semester; even just a little. I finally got my feet underneath me, found jobs I enjoyed. I made a few new friends, and my old friends became better friends. Best friends.

So I guess I’m sad because I finally figured out how to be comfortable and content in college–for the most part. I wish I had more time. Even as I type those words though, my chest tightens at the thought of actually staying another semester. So maybe I am ready to move on. I think I’m sad at the thought of saying goodbye to some wonderful people. And I’m sad to say goodbye to my “security blanket.” College is safe. College is a bubble. Especially one like Texas Tech.

Moving to Boston is getting closer. I can almost stretch out my fingers and touch it, feel it. I’m beginning to get more nervous. In fact, I had a small breakdown last week. I started panicking, thinking, “What the F*** am I doing, packing up and moving to Boston? Am I CRAZY?”

And maybe I am crazy. Maybe I’m being hopelessly naive about this entire thing. But I don’t care. I love it when people react to my news of leaving. Most people are so supportive of it, and that makes me feel so much better about it. I had a friend say to me today how excited he was for me that I was leaving and doing what I want; taking a chance. And that? Pretty much made my day. It’s good to be reassured that maybe I’m not a crazy freak who can’t be happy in Texas. Of course, he hates Texas too, so that probably went into his comments.

Enough about Boston for tonight.

My heart hurts, for a few reasons.

I disappointed my parents this past weekend, and I hate myself for it. I don’t want to explain everything that happened, but basically, I messed up. I have never felt so terrible about something in my life. And I don’t know how to rectify it. How do I show my parents how sorry I truly am? I’m terrified about facing them tomorrow.

The second reason my heart hurts is because of someone who has become very special to me in the last two months. I’m sad because I’m leaving, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see him again. It’s hard. It makes me angry not only because I have to leave him, but because I wonder why I didn’t get to meet him sooner.

I can’t sleep tonight, partly because of that. I can’t stop thinking about everything.

I say to myself each day: “You’ll forget. You’ll forget the boy who made you laugh. Forget the boy who made your heart light, who made your eyes dance. Your heart will stop hurting.”

It’ll happen for me someday. I’ll figure it out. For now? Boston is my true love. It’s what I want, more than anything else in the world. I’m not considering giving it up.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt like hell about it. Cry, too.

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