Home > Uncategorized > ‘I think I’ll start a new life.’

‘I think I’ll start a new life.’

Everyone who’s read this before knows how I wanted to move to New York as soon as I graduate. And that’s a great big, grand dream of mine. Or was.

This summer made me question some of the things I want for myself and my future: Do I want to be so far away from family? Do I want to be all by myself in a place where no one knows me? Do I want to feel so anonymous? Do I want to be in a field that is in such a terrible place right now?

It’s been scary, to say the least. I have not enjoyed facing the start of my last semester in school and suddenly second guessing everything I’ve relied on to get me through school the last three years. I’m nervous because I don’t even know where to begin looking for a job. But I think I have a new plan. Possibly.

 

For a long time, it’s always been New York for me. I loved the pace, the grandeur, the lights, the unpredictability. But I also loved that it was completely different from anything that I’ve known so far. I saw it as an escape; somewhere I could just. . . be. My dream of New York was something I held on to at night when I was struggling with not being happy with where I was.

But it’s changed.

 

I know I will always be a Texas girl at heart. I love the dry air, I love the unpredictable weather. I love how people actually respond when I say “Excuse me” after bumping in to them. I love how when I drive from Lubbock to Midland it’s a straight shot, and the sky is blue and the corn fields are always slightly blowing in the wind.

 

But ultimately? I would never be happy if I stayed in Texas forever. Ultimately? I want to live somewhere like New York or Boston. I went to Boston last week, and it comforted me to know that I’d be OK if I moved there. Or New York. Or wherever.  

 

I was in Boston for a total of 5 full days…the 18th through the 24th. But I was there all by myself the 21st through the 24th. I kind of saw those three days as a trial run for me; a chance to see if I’d 1) curl up in a ball in my hotel room, or 2) get out there and do something. And I got out there and did something. I’m glad I did. I met fun, interesting people, and went out and had fun. I tried something new–riding a bike through Boston. (Me? The biggest klutz on earth? I was a bit dubious it would turn out OK, but luckily, I didn’t injure anyone.) It turned out to be the best part of my trip. I ran through the rain. I watched the ocean and marveled at its beauty. I wandered. I got lost and figured out where I was again. I had a beer (OK, half a beer) inside Fenway Park during a Red Sox-Yankees game. I people-watched. I was asked for directions. 🙂 I danced. I forgot about everything that hurt me recently, and just lived for what was happening right then instead of worrying myself over what HAD happened. It was perfect.

I made a friend with whom I’d like to keep in touch. I did not expect that to happen. (P.S.–I found the perfect sweet and salty snack on the way home: Dark chocolate M&Ms and pretzels. Should have tried that the other night.)

 

I always wondered why I felt so suffocated in places like Lubbock and Midland, even though those are places known for their spaciousness. I think it is because there is no possibility (at least in my opinion) for me in these towns.

In Boston, or New York, or whatever, there is endless possibility. Maybe I am looking at it naively, but I’d prefer to think I’m looking at it hopefully. In spite of everyone constantly telling me journalism and publishing are in the toilet right now, I have to believe there is possibility out there for someone like me. There has to be, right?

So here is what I want: I want to pick a city and just go in January and see what happens. I’m young. It doesn’t have to be the perfect job. It just has to be somewhere I can breathe. That’s all I’m asking. Why the hell not, right? It doesn’t have to be New York. In fact, New York hasn’t been what I want for a long time.

 

But this has to be for real. I have to actually start working for something. It’s just a matter of choosing what I want, where I want, and going for it.

 

And I’ve got to stop using this thing as a forum for complaining. No longer. Now? It’s going to be updates. Positive ones. Because positivity is really about all I can handle right now.

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